As a CFer being "fat" is a good thing. It means you have a cushion for when your lungs decline so that if you do lose weight you won't get into that bad low weight zone. For me, my comfortable cushion is around 114lbs. I always felt like I had a harder time breathing when I was any heavier than that. And for years I never had to worry since it was rare I got that high. I was normally around 107-108lbs, that was about 3.5 years ago. With that I would eat as much as I could when I felt like it.
Now....I am at a whopping 128lbs. 14lbs above my comfort weight and 20lbs above my normal.
But you are probably asking how my normal weight can be 107 when I haven't seen that in 3.5 years? Well the answer is actually simple. 3.5 years ago I started on anti-depressants. All of a sudden my weight was not an issue. I put on weight and kept it on for the first time ever. I was consistently around 114-117lbs. And more recently 118-120lbs. I was not happy with the 120lbs and tried to lose some weight to no avail.
Then 4 months ago I was put on another weight gainer pill....a hormone replacement drug for my hysterectomy. From that I put on 8lbs in 3 months. WOW. That is the LARGEST gain I have ever had in that short amount of time. I tried to blame a full gut on the weight thinking there was no way I could possibly gain that much any other way. But after several clean outs and not loosing more than 1-2lbs and then promptly re-gaining it, I knew it was not pooh. It is REAL weight.
I have recently stopped the anti-depressants so I could shed a few pounds and also because I feel like I am at a place where I don't need them anymore. I have some on hand if I get all crazy again. But I have faith I shall be OK. I have also decided to stop the hormone replacement pills. I did not want to start them in the first place but both the CF doctor and gynecological oncologist who did the surgery insisted I needed to be on it. I understand their concerns but I had no menopause symptoms and didn't want to add another drug. I reluctantly agreed and I think after 4 months I am OK stopping it. Again, I can restart it if I feel I need to.
The real reasoning behind the change in meds is I feel fat and gross. Today as I was looking at myself in the mirror while walking on the treadmill (why do they put mirrors there anyway?) I felt like I was staring at someone else. Who is that person with chubby cheeks and a gut? That can't be me? I am not that heavy. But I am. That start of a double chin and pudgy gut IS me.
I can hear you all saying that I have lost my mind. That I am not fat or pudgy and that I still look the same as I always have. And in a sense you are right. I am not fat, not by anyone's standards but my own. But that is just it. MY standards make me feel fat. I am not comfortable with my weight. To go from a size 4 with a belt to a size 6 with a button that won't button is a huge blow to the self esteem. And sure I could buy new pants that fit me, and sure I could buy new shirts that aren't so tight on me, and sure I could go broke doing this, but who wants to? It was different when I went from a 2 to a 4 because that was great.
Now I just feel like gluttony has taken over and I don't want to feel that way anymore. When I get dressed in the mornings I want to feel amazing. I want to look at myself and smile and know that I look good. I don't want to wear sweat pants all the time because they are more comfortable and don't dig into my stomach. I want to be comfortable with myself and how I look. Whether that means I need to lose 10lbs or 20 to get to were I feel comfortable, it will happen. And if my doctors get angry they can. But in the end I am the one who has to be comfortable with myself, not them.
**No I am not doing anything drastic. I don't want anyone thinking they need to call someone to make sure I don't get all bulimic on you. I want to be comfortable with myself, not a bag of bones**