A Guide to Becoming the Most Neurotic Person Ever.
Posted Sep 30 2009 5:23pm
... and I mean that. This is truly how to become completely neurotic. Since I am a neurotic nightmare, the next list is not in any order of importance - except they are all key steps on the road to being neurotic.
1) Hold onto that dream you gave up on three years ago because of your health. That's right. PRETEND you are going to graduate next spring with your masters in Chemical Engineering.
2) Go ahead, in your mind change your name so you can become (or rather, pretend to be) the person you wanted to be before you got this sick. Yeah. Think of yourself with a new name.
3) Commence internet search to find a date - a guy that isn't cheating on someone, who cares about you, who wants to live with you - the future chemical engineer with the different name - forever.
4) Actually go on date with a guy you met on internet. Make sure he is the same age as the teacher who stalked you in high school.
5) Think things could go somewhere with said much older guy because you're getting along famously - well the you that lied her ass off is getting along famously with him. He's sweet and cares deeply...
6) Make sure his caring deeply is for his wife and 3 kids. And then think "Yep. He's the guy for me... except he's already taken."
7) Make sure that he only wants to sleep with you and that maybe everything was a misunderstanding.
8) After all this, develop what you think may be an allergy to your bed, and take to sleeping in the den. Either it's an allergy or some sort of weird aversion that I'll figure out about 4 years from now.
9) Make sure that the words your former coach sent to you in an email keep running through your head. The stuff about the "immaturity" and the "lack of moral fiber" and "intestinal fortitude." Okay, the last one is just funny, but the other stuff runs through the head.
10) Tear your entire place apart, with the intention of redecorating everything in two months. Then realize that you don't have the strength/energy to complete the project like you want to. Then obsess about the lack of progress and your declining health.
11) Obsess that you will never find anyone that wants something more than sex. Someone who isn't committed to someone else and wants to commit to me. Because clearly, I'm cute and smart and every guy tells me so - but apparently only cute and smart in the friends with benefits but no relationship kind of way. Right.
12) Wonder why the hell you are sleeping in the den. What's wrong with my big, beautiful bed. Is it the wool rug? Am I allergic to it? Do I have a psychological aversion to sleeping in my bed? My bed where I've been told so many horrible things? The bed where I've broken up with... well, shit, I've forgotten the number. But it's more than 2 guys.
13) Freak out b/c you get along with older people better than most of your peers.