Well it's the New Year - 2010. I woke up one morning just before the end of 2009, realizing that it was time to write and publish this newsletter. I groaned to myself. What was I going to write about? I had just had a few weeks off from having to think about anything to do with work, writing, or anything that requires obligation. It was truly a pleasant relief from some of the daily mundane obligatory activities that we all have. I certainly didn't have any topics in mind, and as I laid there in the early hours of the morning wondering about it, it suddenly hit me... why not write about the obligation I have to do a newsletter?
It's always fascinated me that the word 'should' -- a word that implies obligation and responsibility -- can dominate our lives in ways that can create a great deal of misery. 'I should do this', or 'I should do that' are frequently things that I hear patients say, when they don't enjoy doing something. Should implies obligation, although it is actually only the past tense of the word shall, that does not have obligation attached to it. Although completely unrelated in terms of derivation -- the phrase to "shoulder something" also implies responsibility and obligation. Which brings me to my title -- do you have too many 'shoulds' in your 'should-ers'?
Is your life run by things that you should do, as opposed to things that you enjoy doing, and can you actually enjoy something that you should do? Human beings I believe are ultimately driven and motivated by pleasure, and away from pain. Getting away from pain and moving towards pleasure are great motivators. Of course, we all have obligation - things that we should do so that we can actually survive and get pleasure at some point. Personally, I prefer to find ways of doing things, even though they might be obligatory, that help me to feel good about doing them.
So in writing this piece I am in fact actually enjoying it, whereas I thought when I woke up that morning that I wouldn't because it was an obligation. How did that change? It changed because writing about something like "shoulds" caused me to feel a little bit excited and interested. What if people, like you and me, could find ways of enjoying things that are sometimes mundane, sometimes just necessary, and sometimes could actually be done almost automatically without really thinking about them?
Let's take something as simple as doing the dishes. We would all probably agree that at some point they have to be done and 'should' be. Now, if you enjoy the process of doing dishes -- your hands in the sink, the feel of the soapsuds, the look of the pots and pans as they sparkle as you do them then great -- you have succeeded in enjoying an obligation and turned it into something pleasant. If you don't actually enjoy doing dishes you could learn -- it could become a kind of meditation where you focus on the moment to moment experience and enjoy the sensations! If that seems too much for you and a little off-the-wall consider this -- what if you imagine that the dishes are actually done and the kitchen is really clean and sparkling the way like it? How does that feel when you think about it as a future event? I would bet that you will probably feel pretty good.
Now if you had 3 ways to do the dishes which one would you choose?
- Being driven by obligation and feeling miserable.
- Enjoying the process.
- Looking forward to having them done and enjoying the outcome as you do them.
Life is always about choice - your choice. We make hundreds of choices every day. So your New Year's resolution might be to take pleasure in the every day mundane activities either by focusing on the sensory experience of the moment, or looking forward to the experience that you will have when they are complete. Why feel miserable when you can have fun?
Well, I have written 700 words in 15 minutes. I actually enjoyed it, even though it was something that I felt obliged to do so that you could receive this blog in early January. Have a wonderful year!
It's always fascinated me that the word 'should' -- a word that implies obligation and responsibility -- can dominate our lives in ways that can create a great deal of misery. 'I should do this', or 'I should do that' are frequently things that I hear patients say, when they don't enjoy doing something. Should implies obligation, although it is actually only the past tense of the word shall, that does not have obligation attached to it. Although completely unrelated in terms of derivation -- the phrase to "shoulder something" also implies responsibility and obligation. Which brings me to my title -- do you have too many 'shoulds' in your 'should-ers'?
Is your life run by things that you should do, as opposed to things that you enjoy doing, and can you actually enjoy something that you should do? Human beings I believe are ultimately driven and motivated by pleasure, and away from pain. Getting away from pain and moving towards pleasure are great motivators. Of course, we all have obligation - things that we should do so that we can actually survive and get pleasure at some point. Personally, I prefer to find ways of doing things, even though they might be obligatory, that help me to feel good about doing them.
So in writing this piece I am in fact actually enjoying it, whereas I thought when I woke up that morning that I wouldn't because it was an obligation. How did that change? It changed because writing about something like "shoulds" caused me to feel a little bit excited and interested. What if people, like you and me, could find ways of enjoying things that are sometimes mundane, sometimes just necessary, and sometimes could actually be done almost automatically without really thinking about them?
Let's take something as simple as doing the dishes. We would all probably agree that at some point they have to be done and 'should' be. Now, if you enjoy the process of doing dishes -- your hands in the sink, the feel of the soapsuds, the look of the pots and pans as they sparkle as you do them then great -- you have succeeded in enjoying an obligation and turned it into something pleasant. If you don't actually enjoy doing dishes you could learn -- it could become a kind of meditation where you focus on the moment to moment experience and enjoy the sensations! If that seems too much for you and a little off-the-wall consider this -- what if you imagine that the dishes are actually done and the kitchen is really clean and sparkling the way like it? How does that feel when you think about it as a future event? I would bet that you will probably feel pretty good.
Now if you had 3 ways to do the dishes which one would you choose?
Life is always about choice - your choice. We make hundreds of choices every day. So your New Year's resolution might be to take pleasure in the every day mundane activities either by focusing on the sensory experience of the moment, or looking forward to the experience that you will have when they are complete. Why feel miserable when you can have fun?
Well, I have written 700 words in 15 minutes. I actually enjoyed it, even though it was something that I felt obliged to do so that you could receive this blog in early January. Have a wonderful year!