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How to ensure you keep gaining weight (when you don't want to)

Posted Apr 21 2010 5:55pm

  • Don't worry about dietary fibre, or eating fresh fruit and vegetables. Eat whatever you like, whenever you like.
  • Don't restrict your portion sizes, especially with high fat, high sugar foods that are really yummy. Seek out restaurants that provide 'man-sized' portions.
  • Too busy to plan and prepare food? We all are. Head for the fast food drive through. Keep plenty of processed sweet and fatty foods like chocolate, chips and ice cream in the kitchen for whenever you feel hungry.
  • Avoid the fresh produce sections of the supermarket, they're full of food that takes valuable time to prepare. Choose instant meals that only need re-heating in the microwave.
  • If you have a toddler, make sure you eat the the meals your child didn't finish. You can eat lots of extra food this way without feeling satisfied.
  • Eat everything that's on your plate, even if that's going to make you feel uncomfortably full.
  • Eat while your mind is occupied elsewhere. Its amazing just how much food you can get through while you're watching TV, or walking along the street window shopping. And because your mind is elsewhere, you won't hear the "I'm full!" message from your stomach.
  • Resolve that someone else is responsible for your health. Any other person or institution will do, really; just so long as you don't feel that you are the person who needs to take action.
  • If you find yourself taking steps to get healthy, give up at the first obstacle, injury or eating mishap. Then you can claim that you "really tried…but….."
  • Refuse to acknowledge any connection between how you're feeling emotionally and your eating patterns.
  • Believe the advertisers that promise fast weight loss without exercise or diet change, and believe that the weight you lose with their product won't just spring back on when you return to 'normal' eating.
  • Keep buying larger sizes of clothes (reassure yourself that they must have changed the sizing).
  • Park as close as possible to the shopping centre doors. Drive around the block as many times as it takes to ensure that you don't have to walk more than 25 metres from your car to the shop.
  • Always take the escalator or lift, never the stairs.
  • Never exercise or get sweaty unless you absolutely have to. The less movement, the better. Spend as much time as possible sitting on the couch or in front of the computer games console. Whenever you feel like becoming active, lie down until the feeling passes. You're too busy to exercise anyway.
  • Ignore the science proving that the more active you are, the more muscle you will have and the faster your metabolism will run, making it easier to lose weight for good.
  • Don’t take action when you start acquiring the modern western chronic diseases that come with a lack of fitness. Why bother? There's sure to be a pill that can save you.

Any other ideas you'd like to share with us? Leave your comments below! 


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