By: Paul J. Donoghue, PhD and Mary E. Siegel, PhD
We all need to talk to relieve tension within us and to connect with people who matter to us. But those of us who are ill really need to talk. Illness threatens our well being, evokes strong emotions, heightens our needs, and makes us more dependent on others. To cope well with all these factors we need to talk. Yet illness often leads us to isolate, to retreat into out own world of pain, fatigue, vulnerability, and fear.
Fears inhibit our talking; fear of boring others, fear of being heard as whining or complaining, fear of being misunderstood, fear of receiving unwanted advice. In self-imposed isolation we can readily surrender into depression or self-pity and cut ourselves off from those we need and love.
When we emerge from our silence, we frequently drive away those we need by blurting our thoughts formed by fear.
Blame:
You don’t care!
You don’t understand!
You only think of yourself.
Hopeless remarks:
Why don’t you just leave me?
I can’t take it anymore!
No one understands what it is like to live with pain.
No one cares.
Demands:
Take the children to my mother’s and pick up the prescription.
Take some days off so I can get some rest.
Call the insurance company today.
Don’t just stand there, do something.
We push those we need away by our fear-induced language as well as by our silent withdrawal.
We need to learn how to talk. That means we have to talk openly, honestly about our needs, our feelings, our thoughts in a manner that invites those we love to understand and to connect with us. We have to stop blaming, demanding, complaining, and learn to share our inner-most emotions such as discouragement and anxiety a well as our needs for attention and help.
After sharing thoughtfully with her husband, a woman undergoing cancer treatment told us, “Jay has been wonderful. I had to talk seriously with him about what I needed from him. Now he cooks when I’m not up to it. He cleans the house. He keeps the kids informed about my treatments. He goes to my doctor appointments with me. He told me that he had wanted to help but was afraid to, because he knows I like to do things for myself. I had to learn how to let him in on my illness.”
This husband and wife learned to apply basic communication skills in their conversations. The following are some practical tips for expressing your needs, feelings, and wishes in a way that makes it more possible that you will be understood:
1. Take some time to reflect before talking. What do you really want to get across? What is your intention in speaking? To get help? To be understood? To clarify your thoughts?
2. Identify and share your feelings directly. For example:
Direct sharing of feelings: “I felt vulnerable and helpless when you and the girls made dinner.”
Rather than blaming and judging: “You paid so much attention to the girls and totally ignored me.”
Sharing your feelings requires that you identify them before you speak. After identifying your feelings, such as loneliness, sadness, hope, fear, excitement, appreciation, hurt, frustration, share them by saying “I” then the feeling. Then give the reason for the feeling. For example: “I felt sad when I realized that I didn’t have the energy to make the trip to the reunion.”
3. Identify and share your needs; need for specific help, need for a conversation about treatment options, need for a ride to the store, need for rest or exercise or a phone call from a friend. Share your need directly. To do so, start with the world “I” followed by your need.
Direct sharing of needs:
“I need you to call the insurance company.”
“I need to leave the party early tonight.
“I need help to decide whether I should go back to the physical therapist.”
Rather than demanding and criticizing:
“You always leave the tough phone calls to me.”
“You never want to leave a party no matter how late it is.”
“You have to help me figure this out.”
People with illnesses definitely need to talk. But the talking needs to be thoughtful and skillful. Nobel Peace Prize recipient, Desmond Tutu writes, “It requires courage to be honest, but it also requires skill.” He was kind to add that in our book We Really Need to Talk: Steps to Better Communication 
(Sorin Books 2010), “Drs. Donoghue and Siegel teach in a deeply human ways the skills needed to communicate with genuine love.” We hope that you will learn to improve you ability to share yourself in order to gain the relief and comfort and support that you need and deserve.
bIO GOES HERE
By: Paul J. Donoghue, PhD and Mary E. Siegel, PhD
We all need to talk to relieve tension within us and to connect with people who matter to us. But those of us who are ill really need to talk. Illness threatens our well being, evokes strong emotions, heightens our needs, and makes us more dependent on others. To cope well with all these factors we need to talk. Yet illness often leads us to isolate, to retreat into out own world of pain, fatigue, vulnerability, and fear.
When we emerge from our silence, we frequently drive away those we need by blurting our thoughts formed by fear.
Blame:
Hopeless remarks:
Demands:
We push those we need away by our fear-induced language as well as by our silent withdrawal.
After sharing thoughtfully with her husband, a woman undergoing cancer treatment told us, “Jay has been wonderful. I had to talk seriously with him about what I needed from him. Now he cooks when I’m not up to it. He cleans the house. He keeps the kids informed about my treatments. He goes to my doctor appointments with me. He told me that he had wanted to help but was afraid to, because he knows I like to do things for myself. I had to learn how to let him in on my illness.”
This husband and wife learned to apply basic communication skills in their conversations. The following are some practical tips for expressing your needs, feelings, and wishes in a way that makes it more possible that you will be understood:
1. Take some time to reflect before talking. What do you really want to get across? What is your intention in speaking? To get help? To be understood? To clarify your thoughts?
2. Identify and share your feelings directly. For example:
Direct sharing of feelings: “I felt vulnerable and helpless when you and the girls made dinner.”
Rather than blaming and judging: “You paid so much attention to the girls and totally ignored me.”
Sharing your feelings requires that you identify them before you speak. After identifying your feelings, such as loneliness, sadness, hope, fear, excitement, appreciation, hurt, frustration, share them by saying “I” then the feeling. Then give the reason for the feeling. For example: “I felt sad when I realized that I didn’t have the energy to make the trip to the reunion.”
3. Identify and share your needs; need for specific help, need for a conversation about treatment options, need for a ride to the store, need for rest or exercise or a phone call from a friend. Share your need directly. To do so, start with the world “I” followed by your need.
Direct sharing of needs:
Rather than demanding and criticizing:
People with illnesses definitely need to talk. But the talking needs to be thoughtful and skillful. Nobel Peace Prize recipient, Desmond Tutu writes, “It requires courage to be honest, but it also requires skill.” He was kind to add that in our book We Really Need to Talk: Steps to Better Communication
(Sorin Books 2010), “Drs. Donoghue and Siegel teach in a deeply human ways the skills needed to communicate with genuine love.” We hope that you will learn to improve you ability to share yourself in order to gain the relief and comfort and support that you need and deserve.
bIO GOES HERE