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It's been a long time since I've written anything

Posted Jul 29 2010 7:31pm 3 Comments

Well, I was wondering why I haven't written here in so long. I know why now. In the beginning, I felt like I had a mission to get the word out. And to blog in order to let off steam and learn how to live with this condition. I am in worse shape these days. Emotionally, that is... I have gotten quite depressed. Every day is a struggle. Suicide ideation is something I go to bed with and wake up with every day. Yes, I am seeing a therapist. But what to do. I am now on two meds- Lyrica and Nortriptyline. I think the combo is starting to help the pain more than anything else I've taken. I also am starting Capsaicin treatment. It is very tolerable, but I began feeling raw and sore on a daily basis. Turns out I had a yeast infection. So I had to stop. And will be starting up on it again soon.

Some days - well all days it just seems too much. I want to take off of work for a year and really concentrate on trying treatments. I have to go back to work in a few weeks and that is freaking me out because I don't know if I can stand to work while doing capsaicin.

I just need more time to get better. I don't know what to do. I feel overwhelmed.

Life feels dreary. A struggle. However this Lyrica gets me "high" and helps me sleep.  A good side effect I guess.

I still can't reconcile my feeling towards my bf. How could he just leave me with this. And not respond to my letter explaining what happened to me.

My heart is broken. My vulva is broken. I'm tired of trying to live life and get better. I just want this all to end.

This blog. Does anyone even read it?

What do I want?

My bf to come back and apologize and be with me while I figure this thing out.

How could he leave me?

I used to be a person with lots of confidence.

High self-esteem.

Now, I feel angry and despairing and broken.

And sometimes I feel badly because there are ppl who are worse off.

But my therapist told me that what I'm dealing with is devastating.

That confirmation is impt for me to hear. Because friends don't get it.

They think there is something wrong with me for not picking up the pieces and going on.

I wake up every day and can't believe that this has happened.

I'm distressed. Another part of me has taken over. I call her the automaton. She does all the necessary things. Takes the car in for repairs. Buys groceries. I suppose she'll go to work too in the next few weeks.

The real me is crying all the time. The real me is heartbroken. The real me wants out of this and is tired of trying.

I'm on too many meds now. My mind is foggy. If it werent for my ex bf, I wouldn't be on these stupid fucking meds.

I was fine before him.

Of course he didn't hurt me on purpose. It just happened. But a decent human being would at least apologize.

And that's what hurts. All I get is silence. Like he's angry at me for telling him about this.

Fuck that!

It's cruel for him to not even acknowledge my letter about this.

It's inhumane.

It makes me doubt my faith in human beings.

He was the most compassionate person, I'd ever met. How could I have misjudged him.  My therapist and psychiatrist said that our relationship and connection was extremely rare. My therapist said "you two belong together".

How could we all have been fooled?

How can he live with himself?

Who is he?

Not the guy I knew before, that is for sure.

He is either "sick" or "cruel".

One or the other.

I can say anything here. I miss who he was. I'm angry that I have this unmentionable disorder that has taken over my life.

I'm in despair.

And that is all...

yes, there is some bit of hope...

that life will get better or he'll come back or someone else will come along...

but i am tired and i wish there was a way out of this place. Human beings can be shitty. Unpredictable.

"I dont want you to be anxious about anything. You're right here (points to his heart). You're safe with me."

His words.

Lies. Delusions.

He leaves me because of the long distance and because I cannot have children.

Those are the reasons he gives.

I don't believe him.

I wish he could have told me the truth.

Whatever that is.

I think he doesn't know himself.

I think he is not conscious of what he's done.

I think he will pay for this somehow. A decent person cannot hurt another and live peacefully with his or her self.

I gave him everything I could. I gave him my best. Who knew I'd end up physically mutilated forever?!

Life can be cruel.

And I am tired.

I want out.

I want to live in a kind, peaceful world...

And this blog is different than the others. Yes it is.

I am writing for myself. I am not even thinking of others reading it.

My seeds of hope are slipping through my fingers.

The question is...

Will I be able to hold on to hope...

or will I continue to sink into depression...

life is on hold while i try the capsaicin...

i'm tired of life always being on hold...

chronic pain- unmentionable in public...

it just sucks!!!!!!!!! not a good month. :(

So i end this entry like this... hope springs eternal they say... we shall see...

a gold star to all of the women struggling with this condition...

I feel connected to you all...

A drunken lyrica night...a blog entry that I can barely remember...

blessings and peace to all readers...

that's all.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Comments (3)
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Amy
Oh Miriam.... I know just how you feel..... I feel so bad for all of us going through this. It is so frustrating when we actually sit down and take the time to really feel what this has done to us. I don't let myself think too much about it because then my blogs would look like what you just posted... lol.. but i do feel just like you... Trapped in this body and trying to deal with this.. I don't know what happened with you and your boyfriend but it sounds really shitty on his part. I am here if you feel like writing. Hang in there sweetie, be strong.
Hey Amy! :) I wrote back to you before, but for some reason it didn't take. Anyway, thank you so much for commenting. it means a lot to me! you're right my bf was shitty about this. i wish i could be like you and stop thinking about it. but having to put on the capsaicin everyday forces me to think about it. anyway, you're a sweet person and i am hoping for easier days ahead for both of us. warm wishes to you! :)
Amy

Thank you for the kind words... I wish the best for us both as well. Please write if you ever feel like venting. I am here with ya and i'll keep you posted if something changes for the better i'll be sure to let you know... Thanks again.

:) 

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