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The Big Myth Of Chronic Illness

Posted Aug 04 2011 12:11pm

Being sick sure is the life, I’m telling you.

How can a girl have gotten so lucky?!?!??!?!?!?! Screw the lottery, getting a chronic and incurable condition is so much better than that.

Sick Leave—On those cold Monday mornings when Mother Nature has dumped six inches of snow on the ground, traffic is utter gridlock, and you’re utterly miserable. I watch all of the chaos from my bedroom window with a nice cup of hot tea. I call the boss and let him know that I won’t be there. That’s right folks! Having a chronic illness really does come in handy.

Also sick leave works for extending those lovely weekends.

Sure you haven’t had a raise and a promotion in years and you heard those rumors that they may be “eliminating your position”. You’d be lucky if they downgrade you to mopping the break room but hey, you still have a job, right?

Got housework? Not anymore!!!! Turn that vacuum cleaner off and hand it to the kids or your spouse. Kick your feet up on a table, grab a cocktail and watch your family slave away while you relax. Sure they’re a little bit slower than you and not as efficient but YOU’VE learned to compromise. Everything doesn’t have to be done your way…just as long as they’re getting done.

Sure the dishes still have last week’s dinner stuck on them, you’re positive that you’re growing penicillin on the mop, and you can’t prove it but you’re damn sure that your teenager stuck a red dishtowel in the whites while doing the laundry on purpose.

Oh well pink bras and panties aren’t so bad.

Work? Who needs a job? When you’re sick didn’t you hear….THE GOVERNMENT GIVES MILLIONS OF DOLLARS A YEAR TO SICK PEOPLE!!!!!!! IS IT CHRISTMAS EVERY MONTH? That’s right waiting on those tens of dollars on the first of the month is a moment worth waiting for.

Why work a regular job and get health insurance when the government can take care of you! That’s right sickies! Lay back and enjoy the fruits of labor by other people while you fight the technician in the back yard who’s getting ready to turn your electricity off for non payment. Makes for an interesting day if you ask me. Might even get some exercise out of it while you figure out a way to tackle him from your wheelchair. BONUS!

Television? Dancing With The Stars to the Maury Povich show. You don’t miss a thing!!!! Those “Who’s My Baby Daddy?” shows just leave you hanging on the edge of your seat sometimes!

Just imagine having all that time in front of the tube. Who could ask for more? No need to Tivo anything, you’re watching it live BABY!!!!!!!!!!

Sure you can’t leave the house because you’re tired of getting physical with nosy senior citizens who want to know why you need that oh so close parking spot at the grocery store or those inaccessible stores with no elevators or automatic doors. So it’s much easier to just stay indoors and soak up all those helpful UV rays from the television.

Well that beats lying on a beach on a perfect summer day with all your friends and family.

Or those beautiful gorgeous afternoons that would be great for a barbecue with loved ones.

Who needs all that when you can lie on a couch for endless hours battling pain and fatigue? What about all those CSI marathons that are on right now? Oh wait….you’ve seen them already. Remember, sick people don’t miss a thing!

Besides all my Lupus friends know those photosensitive skin rashes make a great conversation piece at the family picnic…which normally leads to debates over which is a better treatment for you, Jesus or microwaved dog food?

All The Pain Meds A Person Can Hope For- Ahh who can forget the joys of narcotics? Why risk arrest and being the next guest star on “Cops” buying weed from that dope dealer down the street when you have your own stash? And the best part is….IT’S FREAKING LEGAL!!!!

Your friends groan with envy as you pop back that vicodin and get ready for a quick trip to heaven. Sure that vicodin stopped working months ago, but you need it to get out of the bed without screaming in pain.

Who cares if the pain meds make you loopy, nauseated, and you keep forgetting that you have a cat because your memory is shot and you’re wondering what is that scratching noise at your bedroom door for the past 36 hours straight.

That’s right my friends. While those sucker friends of yours face felonies, you can sit back and get high all you want. Maybe one of them can remind you why there is a big ass box of kitty litter in the kitchen.

So to all you healthy people out there that actually get to live life without worry of injections, infusions, pill boxes, medicine, doctors appointments, IV’s, chemotherapy, MRI’s, lumbar punctures, hospitals, doctors, co-payments, fighting with insurance companies to pay for those treatments, mobility aids, supplements, losing your job because who wants to hire sick people, losing your friends because who wants to be around sick people, loss of health insurance, skyrocketing life insurance payments, and etc…

I raise my cup of coffee to you as I sit on my couch and enjoy an easy life.
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