I think one of the things I'm most ashamed of is when I can't make it to school. My boyfriend says things like, "You couldn't help it. You hurt too badly." And I know that's true. I mean...I can barely sit upright a lot of the time. I know things suck too much sometimes to make it to class. But even after being sick for a few years, I'm still not used to having to give in and not go to class. It happens all the time. And a normal person would think, "Quit being stupid, Rachel. You can't handle school full time right now. Take less than 12 hours." But it's been since early 2008. Before I was even out of high school. How can I STILL not be well enough to go to school full time? And right now, I get a half off discount on tuition because my dad works there. But if he leaves his job, I won't have that discount. So I need to hurry up and get done with school. My parents + financial aid + loans can't handle paying full price for such an expensive college that keeps adding unnecessary charges like a mandatory meal plan if you live off campus. Some teachers understand. Some teachers don't understand. And some professors? Well, they just don't care. 4 absences, doctors excuse or not, or else you fail the course. You could be vomiting up a lung and they'd still want you in class. "But what if you're in the hospital?" you ask? Doesn't matter. I have literally seen people fail classes with these professors because they were in the hospital for some reason or another. Or because there was a death in the family, the funeral was out of town, and they had to miss class for more than the professor decided they should've. Y'all, sometimes it's hard to NOT smack some teachers in the face.
I keep thinking that if I can go ahead and graduate, I can go ahead and get a job and quit living off my parents' money. But I know, somewhere in the back of my head, that that's not how it works. I know that in order to graduate, I have to student teach. Student teaching would probably be next to impossible in my current condition. And even IF I could somehow make it through that, I'd still have to actually teach. (If I could even find a job.) I'd still have to be there every day. No skipping class when you're the teacher. And the thing is, I want to teach. After being a speech therapist fell through when I first got sick because of the long hours and the necessity of a Master's Degree, teaching was the first thing I found that I actually wanted to do. People have been telling me since I was in the first grade that I should be a teacher. And I think I knew that I would end up as one. But how can I get kids to behave if I can't even make my own heart behave?
I think if my bladder and uterus could get fixed, I could survive everything else. The heart stuff, the other pains and aches, etc. I'd still be in pain, but it would be less than I am right now. But...if those organs start to feel better, who's to say, that since I still have the heart/nervous system problem, my other organs won't start to crap out on me? My gallbladder is functioning at a really high rate (I forget the percentage), so I'm not worried about that one. But my kidneys are a force to be reckoned with. If they get mad at me, I will be in absolute hell. I'm surprised my ailing bladder hasn't talked my kidneys into messing with me already.
I've thought about this a lot. Maybe I should just take a desk job, something I could do with little to no movement. But I'm not good at any of those things. I'm good at teaching. I'm good at people. I'm not good at math, science, foreign languages, selling things, or computers. I would LOVE a stay-at-home job. Get to pee every 5 minutes like my body needs to, sit down all the time, etc. But what is there to do that I could actually make money with? I'm not good at a lot of those things. I'm good at English and talking. I'm GREAT with details. (Ask my boyfriend...I can nag about the details like no other.) But what job is there for a sickie with such limited at-home related skills? I have other skills, obviously. I just don't know what there is to do. I need real money. My loans are already laughing at me and haunting me...and I haven't even graduated yet. My parents will stop paying for my medical bills eventually. I generally spend more monthly on medicines than I do on food. And when I'm fending for myself, I'll need to generate at least a decent income.
I don't know how I'm going to survive college. I don't know how I'm going to survive a job. I'm technically a Junior, but I haven't even started my education blocks yet. I think I'm set to start next semester. Which means I'm closer to student teaching. And I don't know if and how I'm going to make it to the real world. Or even in the real world.