The vertigo has been pretty predictable lately, every evening I normally have at least a small attack, and often more than one different times in the day. I’m handling the vertigo well, but it’s so dang annoying, and frankly it’s starting to get a bit boring. When it’s going on all I can do is focus on one spot, often with one eye closed, and tell myself it’s not real, all while keeping my breathing deep and steady….after a while it gets boring. Never thought I’d say that about a vertigo attack, but the attacks I’ve been having recently are not the horrible fast spinning kind that last for hours. Sometimes I do wonder if they would be if I didn’t get the meds in me fast and start this meditation type routine that I’ve come up with. One day last week I had very fast vertigo I couldn’t focus at all, still I calmed myself down. It has helped so much to tell myself, “This is not real. You are not moving, This is not real.” But everyone has different ways to cope, and some may not be able to do this. I know I would not have been able to just a year or so ago.
I realized something the other day….I gave up. My husband was talking to me about things that have been going on with me lately and how we needed to talk to the doctor about it and how he wanted me to feel better. He qualified that he knows it will never go away, but it used to be better. I shut down. I actually bothered me to hear he wanted me better. Then I realized it was because I didn’t believe I would get better. Ever. I’ve gotten tired of asking doctors about things and hearing, “I wish there was more we could do”. I didn’t want to hear that again, so I gave up. This sounds odd after hearing how I handle my vertigo so much better, but I don’t believe the vertigo will get better. I used to.
Now I’m in this realization mode, and fighting with myself. I know I can’t give up! I have a life. I do want to get better. Some of my illnesses may not get better, but I know some things can. I KNOW this. But with the loss of income, and everything else, I have put myself last….and feel guilty every time we have to spend money on me….so I gave up. I didn’t want my illnesses to sap all of our funds and energy. It could get better, but it may not, and I got to the point where I just didn’t want to have my hopes shattered again, especially if it was going to take more of money, simply to be told it won’t get better. As I write this and think more and more about it, perhaps I never gave up, perhaps I felt I needed to put me on hold. The situation we are in right now is very stressful and taking much out of both of us. I do not feel comfortable concentrating on me, I need to concentrate on us. (this does not mean I’m being negligent about my health, if there is something I really need to see the doctor for, I will go.)
A realtor just left the house. Yes, it’s time to sell. I’m afraid we’re going to lose money on the house. The market has come back a lot in this area, but some houses in our neighborhood sold for so little, it is going to cause our selling price to be greatly reduced. No matter where Stuart gets a job we want to downsize, hopefully, we won’t have to wonder about our future much longer. Another phone interview for my hubby in the morning…for a job in Las Vegas. I cannot imagine living in Las Vegas. I wonder if they have decent doctors. : )
I realize now that I’m rambling. Yes, I do that when I’m nervous. I’m still grateful for so much….our life may hold many questions right now, but it’s a mystery…soon to be an adventure, and I’m sure we’ll be happy with how things turn out. We’ll be together, and that’s all that counts.