Scenario one: While all of my friends are sailing away on the cool breezes of spring break aka recovering from St. Patrick's Day, I sit and somberly await my sentence. I sigh a full body sigh - the kind that elicits a "What's wrong?" from anyone near me. And while I'm not crying, I know I will be tomorrow. Because I cry without fail somewhere between IV placement and anesthesia, without fail - no matter the procedure or test. Scenario 2: I am giddy. My poor heart can't keep up. My smile nearly falls off my face and I can't contain my daydreaming. It's going to work! This time next year, I'll be over 70% better. I can go on walks in the park. I can walk around in general. I can exercise! Watch long movies! Never have to hear that awful, hurtful word, "AGAIN?!" when I have to use the restroom for the 50th time, trying to grit my teeth and bear the emotional as well as the physical pain.
There is a perfect meeting of hope and fear within me. I am the collision of pros and cons, a chaos I'm not yet accustomed to. I've been told to prepare for both outcomes. Things will change tomorrow. Just how they'll change, I don't know. I hate uncertainty.
We talk in class about how we've been trained scholastically to require an answer and to be uncomfortable with uncertainty. When it comes to pain, none of that training is relevant. I don't want an answer because I've been trained to want one. I crave certainty here because anything else generally equals more pain. In pain and in health, an open ended answer is not okay with me. Anyone who's sick will tell you the time before exact diagnosis is one of the most difficult. I can speak from personal experience that it's true. But it's also frustrating when you do know what's wrong, but all that can be done is nothing. Because there is no cure. But then? A possible solution for one of the most painful secondary conditions to your disease shows up. AMAZING. All I have to do is wait and see if it works. Ah, sweet certainty. It will either work or I will be diving back into treatment oblivion, the black hole that has sucked up more than a few years of my life.
We'll see. I have a good feeling about this. Wish me luck. :)