I’m in inevitable depression. So, this post can be more like ranting, series of whinges, or just meaningless “blah blah”…
~ * ~
When Dr TL told me I had bronchitis and prescribed antibiotics, I asked what would happen if I didn’t take the medication. I was just curious if it would eventually heal naturally. I’m not against taking medications that are necessary.
He always welcomes my questions, even strange and wired ones. The bottom line was that it would develop to pneumonia. With my COPD (as a result of exposure to heavy cigarette smoke during childhood), he wanted to be extra cautious.
He was also sensitive about “naturally”. As a scientist, he doesn’t believe “natural” is always good. He usually uses examples of natural disasters or virus/bacteria infections as examples of bad “natural”. I completely agree with him. There are poisons and harmful chemicals in nature.
Our conversation went into rather philosophical. He used Yin and Yang as example for importance in having good balance. I agreed with him that balance is the key. For my immediate case was to kill off the bad bacteria and restore good bacterial balance in my system in order to heal bronchitis.
He was not just talking about bacteria infection. He suggested that meditation is good for restoring good Yin & Yang balance. If you ask me, my meditation is to drift into my own thoughts. And if you know me, I think a lot. I think too much sometimes…
When I look at Yin & Yang for my mind, I would say it has reasonable balance most of the time. But when I look at Yin & Yang for my life, it is very unbalanced.
My life is missing joy, excitement, companionship, fulfilment, future, and so on… Mostly, I’m very sad that I have nobody special in my life. I’m not designed to live alone. I’m affectionate and I need companionship in my everyday life. I need moments of touching someone-special, cuddling someone-special, affirmation that I’m part of someone-special’s life, and share life with someone-special.
Critical Rachel interrogates weak Rachel.
“Why don’t you go out and find that special someone?”
“I’m sick and disabled. I cannot go out. And people don’t want sick and disabled. Remember?”
Positive Rachel jumps in for rescue.
“One day, you will meet someone special and it won’t matter if you are sick and disabled. He would love you for who you are and he would be happy just being with you and that would be all he want.”
Sceptical Rachel protests.
“Haven’t I waited for long enough? How long more do I have to wait? Honestly, I’m almost running out of my patience. I don’t want to live like this for the rest of my life. If the universe wants me to hope, it should give me signs that something is happening for me! There is nothing happening in my life!”
No Rachel can answer this…
.
So, how can I balance my life? Did I become ill because of the imbalance? Or, I cannot balance my life because I am very sick? It feels like I’m trapped in a vicious cycle.
According to Maslow , what I want is one of basic human needs. So, I’m not just whinging selfishly, am I…?
Is it my fault that I’m sick and lonely? Or, does it mean I could get better if/when I find someone special in my life? Oh, well… I better forget about it because I cannot meet anybody.
I’m so longing for good human contact. At the same time, I’m a Hermit and I don’t want to face the world at the moment. Probably, meditation is not such a good idea when I’m depressed… I’m weak now. And I need courage and strength to hope…
Sometimes, I need someone to lift my spirit when I’m down. When my spirit has good balance, I feel positive and I can keep going for a little longer.
Dr TL lifts my spirit. But I also feel it is imbalance to have just one doctor (in my entire life) for that role. I do not want to burden him with my mental/emotional imbalance.
“Yin and Yang” sounds like the perfect natural being. But it requires lots of unnatural efforts and luck to achieve sometimes.
I’m in inevitable depression. So, this post can be more like ranting, series of whinges, or just meaningless “blah blah”…
~ * ~
When Dr TL told me I had bronchitis and prescribed antibiotics, I asked what would happen if I didn’t take the medication. I was just curious if it would eventually heal naturally. I’m not against taking medications that are necessary.
He always welcomes my questions, even strange and wired ones. The bottom line was that it would develop to pneumonia. With my COPD (as a result of exposure to heavy cigarette smoke during childhood), he wanted to be extra cautious.
He was also sensitive about “naturally”. As a scientist, he doesn’t believe “natural” is always good. He usually uses examples of natural disasters or virus/bacteria infections as examples of bad “natural”. I completely agree with him. There are poisons and harmful chemicals in nature.
Our conversation went into rather philosophical. He used Yin and Yang as example for importance in having good balance. I agreed with him that balance is the key. For my immediate case was to kill off the bad bacteria and restore good bacterial balance in my system in order to heal bronchitis.
He was not just talking about bacteria infection. He suggested that meditation is good for restoring good Yin & Yang balance. If you ask me, my meditation is to drift into my own thoughts. And if you know me, I think a lot. I think too much sometimes…
When I look at Yin & Yang for my mind, I would say it has reasonable balance most of the time. But when I look at Yin & Yang for my life, it is very unbalanced.
My life is missing joy, excitement, companionship, fulfilment, future, and so on… Mostly, I’m very sad that I have nobody special in my life. I’m not designed to live alone. I’m affectionate and I need companionship in my everyday life. I need moments of touching someone-special, cuddling someone-special, affirmation that I’m part of someone-special’s life, and share life with someone-special.
Critical Rachel interrogates weak Rachel.
“Why don’t you go out and find that special someone?”
“I’m sick and disabled. I cannot go out. And people don’t want sick and disabled. Remember?”
Positive Rachel jumps in for rescue.
“One day, you will meet someone special and it won’t matter if you are sick and disabled. He would love you for who you are and he would be happy just being with you and that would be all he want.”
Sceptical Rachel protests.
“Haven’t I waited for long enough? How long more do I have to wait? Honestly, I’m almost running out of my patience. I don’t want to live like this for the rest of my life. If the universe wants me to hope, it should give me signs that something is happening for me! There is nothing happening in my life!”
No Rachel can answer this…
.
So, how can I balance my life? Did I become ill because of the imbalance? Or, I cannot balance my life because I am very sick? It feels like I’m trapped in a vicious cycle.
According to Maslow , what I want is one of basic human needs. So, I’m not just whinging selfishly, am I…?
Is it my fault that I’m sick and lonely? Or, does it mean I could get better if/when I find someone special in my life? Oh, well… I better forget about it because I cannot meet anybody.
I’m so longing for good human contact. At the same time, I’m a Hermit and I don’t want to face the world at the moment. Probably, meditation is not such a good idea when I’m depressed… I’m weak now. And I need courage and strength to hope…
Sometimes, I need someone to lift my spirit when I’m down. When my spirit has good balance, I feel positive and I can keep going for a little longer.
Dr TL lifts my spirit. But I also feel it is imbalance to have just one doctor (in my entire life) for that role. I do not want to burden him with my mental/emotional imbalance.
“Yin and Yang” sounds like the perfect natural being. But it requires lots of unnatural efforts and luck to achieve sometimes.