The other day, I noticed yellow in front gardenia bush. When looked closer, I was delighted to see a beautiful yellow rose. Its stem was skinny and viny, so couldn’t support the weight of the rose bud.
I’ve lived here more than 6 years, yet I never knew I had yellow rose in garden because it never bloomed so far.
This discovery was symbolic and lifted my spirit.
My moderately sever ME goes up and down like a child version of roller coaster. When I’m up, I have a little function. When I’m down, I am bedbound and every little task becomes extra challenge and struggle. When I’m down, I often feel that I just cannot keep going on like this.
Since I’m at the down end and my condition is still going down at the moment, looking after the garden is out of question.
I’m also isolated from the rest of the world. I don’t have family. I don’t have friends here. I had to move for safety and for affordable accommodation. I didn’t get the support I was counting on at the new place. Being housebound without support at the new place, it is impossible to make a new friend.
Thanks to technologies, I can stay in touch with my long distance friends. However, not having the in-person connection is slowly destroying my soul.
Each day, a drop of loneliness accumulates. It filled a tiny cup, then a jag, then a bucket… I just don’t know how to stop it. Eventually, it will drown me.
When I found the yellow rose, I saw metaphor of my own life.
Despite of neglect, this yellow rose keeps its beauty inside. Despite of isolation, this yellow rose blooms as if it doesn’t matter.
It keeps beauty within. And one day, it inspires someone who accidentally sees it.
I felt I could be the yellow rose. Despite of neglect and isolation, I can carry my own beauty inside. One day, someone would accidentally sees it and hopefully be inspired.
It means I didn’t surrender to this cruel ME, nor to the misery of isolation.