It's Sunday today and we've had Little R with us since Wednesday as it's the Easter holidays. I was out both Thursday and Friday nights involved in local community stuff. Yesterday, a beautifully sunny Spring day, we went for a picnic. Needless to say, today I am sofa surfing.
I'm worried about my legs. They are getting worse. Sometimes I can walk quite normally. I get around the house ok, I can walk over to the chickens or the compost heap but if I stand too long or walk more than about 30 yards they start to wobble. Yesterday we went to have a look at an old woodland garden. A group of local volunteers is restoring and developing it and AJ and I are getting involved in a small way. You can drive nearly up to it but it is on a hillside and there are a fair number of steps to climb. I can climb quite strongly at first although I take it slowly. After a while though I need supporting, then I need to sit down, then I need help getting up again. Later, at home, I got stuck at the top of the stairs which I had climbed on all fours. Half an hour's rest and my legs are ok again.
Apart from the cognitive impairment, muscle weakness in my legs is the most frustrating symptom of my CFS. I used to be a walker and now I am limited to a very small radius around our house, unless I drive of course. It's much worse than it was even a few months ago. I'd get spells of it, but now it's all the time.
I'm hoping it's psychosomatic because if it's my spine then I'm in big trouble. If it's neither of those and is muscle weakness because of some metabolic dysfunction, well at least that is better than some structural problem. One of my defence mechanisms during the abuse was to 'flop' and to 'freeze'. At the moment I'm working on the assumption that part of me is still flopping and freezing as a response to stress. If that is the case it is not just a question of thinking myself out of it. I've tried and it doesn't work. The fight or flight response bypasses logical thinking and goes straight to primal instincts.
It's half past eleven in the morning and I'm still not dressed. So instead of sitting and staring at this blinking cursor I'd better get moving.