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White Knuckle Ride

Posted Apr 23 2010 12:00am
Whoa! I see I haven't posted for several days. Where did that week go? It's a roller coaster ride at the moment, lurching from one revelation to the next with all the weeping, wailing and gnashing of teeth that that requires. And life goes on in between. Food has be obtained and prepared. Washing up needs to be done, as does the laundry. AJ somehow has to do his job. 

All these things are necessary distractions. Even if I wanted to I couldn't focus on this horror all the time, I'd go mad. The rhythm of meals and shopping gives me a structure to work around. If there is a dangerous blank space in the day I have crochet or TV to fill it. As I have experienced in the past, this new emergency of memories has its own energy, its own cycles. I'm surrendering to the process with joyful acceptance knowing it's "better oot than in".

Now I'm not holding all this stuff back I'm much more active. My legs are holding me up. I've started shopping again, rather than having it delivered. I'm sleeping better too, although there is a great deal of processing going on in my dreams which I can't quite remember when I wake up. And, as always, if I hit a more active patch, my muscles are screaming, especially across my shoulders.

Oh, and my old friend, vaginal infection, is back. Not thrush but probably bacterial vaginosis. A sure sign that I'm under stress. The moment I noticed it I made an appointment with the practice nurse and she gave me some antimicrobials to take. I told her the whole story and she offered to let me do the swab myself but I wanted her to examine me to make sure all was OK. I noticed my legs were like water afterwards. Another clear sign to me that my weak legs are associated with fear and stress.

It's a lovely Spring morning. Such a relief after the long, cold Winter. Today will hold all sorts of mysteries and beauties. I'd better launch myself into it.
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