Three Thursdays ago, I discussed about constipation with my doctor. He suggested increasing Movicol (constipation medicine) to 5 sachets a day, but I wanted to wait and see little longer if 3 sachets a day still works or not. I had missed Movicol for couple of days because I was not being able to go out to fill prescription. And I had been having funny gastro problems for some weeks. I assumed this was because I was going through bad flare up of ME/CFS.
I enjoyed the day with my friend M, but the payback was much worse than usual. Payback and flare up make my constipation worse just like anything else. But when I try to think, I had been going through bad flare up for quite some time. I just didn’t know how I was doing anymore. Would this be my normal now?
After another three days or so, my condition never improved. I also realised that my bladder had not been working, either.
Usually, I need to go to toilet often. Well, I should say too often. And whenever I stand up from chair or get up from bed, I get the sudden urge and have to go straight away. Even while I’m just lying flat, I often get desperate to go. It is really inconvenient and not helping when I need to rest and preserve as much energy as possible during the flare up. One toilet trip uses up all my energy reserve or sometimes I feel I get into energy debts. When I get into energy debts, I get charged with overdraw penalty fees and interest. Whoever my energy bank manager is, he/she is very greedy. So it takes much longer to make my energy balance back to zero… So I need to keep resting and resting. Then, before I have enough energy to make a cup of tea, I have to go to toilet again…
Anyway, not only I became human sausage, I also became human water balloon. The stuffed up intestine were causing unusual constipation symptoms, such as nausea, acid reflux, chest pain, feelings of uncomfortableness and so on. Even I was hungry, just one bite of toast gave me the feeling that my stomach was already full.
So I decided it was the time to increase Movicol to 5 sachets. After about three days, I started feeling the relief.
Then, WHAM! I was hit by gastro virus. I assumed it was virus, because I lost appetite and my temperature was higher than usual. Suddenly muscle lost its strength and I had pains and aches as if I was having high fever. Gastro pain became very bad, and diarrhoea started de-sausaging me and de-water-ballooning me. Joy…
My sleep quality became even worse. Whenever I awoke, I didn’t have any idea what time it was or what day it was. My sleep hour shifted dramatically again. Day & night were reversed. I often woke up in the middle of night, and could not fall asleep until late morning or later afternoon… During the time I’m awake, I had hours I could not move because of fatigue and weakness and hours I could do something if I want to. Even when I felt I could do something, I preferred to stay lying because I was very weak. I was too weak to prepare food. Even if I could manage to prepare something, I would not be able to clean afterwards. My appetite wasn’t strong enough to push myself to make something to eat. Some hours, Orthostatic Intolerance got worse and I could manage only 5 minutes of upright position at a time. My head was feeling spacey or was very cloudy. Cognitive function must have been very bad because I often had short memory loss. When I was typing email to my friend, I just couldn’t remember the word I had no trouble remembering 5 minutes ago. Or, when I try to take photo of lorikeets, I just couldn’t remember how to turn the camera power on for 5 minutes… I was having vision of flashing lights, and needed to wear dark sunglasses when I look at computer screen in the dark.
Most of the time, it was really serious resting time, much longer than usual. I lie in the dark room, closed my eyes, without being able to sleep for hours. Feeling the gastro pain, I wondered if this was IBS and not virus. I may have jinxed myself telling people that I didn’t have IBS… Then I had a bit of moment every now and then that I could actually push myself and get things done, although its payback was sudden and severe.
I was also thinking that cold winter is not good for me. Last winter, I was in really bad state. I thought it was because I had to relocate without any help, so I thought I was in extremely long & severe payback. I am starting to feel that my condition is definitely worse during winter no matter what.
I know the reason why I’m not well during summer. It is because of my heat intolerance. But why winter? My theory at the moment is that cold weather is causing my blood flow to go very slow, and it is making all my body function go slow as well. I’m like reptile. During the winter, they cannot move until sun comes up and warm their blood. Just like them, my system cannot control body temperature. When it is cold, just putting extra socks or clothe doesn’t make me warm. My feet, legs and hands often stay icy cold under cloths and sometimes they are painful. I need heater and electric blanket to warm them up and stay warm.
After 4 or 5 days of gastro activities (they were really having party of their own) and pains, I was zombied out and my brain was heavily fogged. The worst and intense pain lasted for about two days. When I started feeling little better, I pushed myself and washed my dogs. It pushed me back to zombie status. Bad move, however I felt the payback was worth. Around Tuesday or Wednesday, after about a week of drifting in twilight zone, I finally started feeling the gastro virus was starting to slowly go away.
Tuesday evening, someone knocked on my door. But I didn’t bother getting up. I could hardly move. And even if I struggle to drag my wobbly body to the door, usually the person would have already gone by the time I get there. And if I successfully get there, usually it is someone trying to sell something or Christian people trying to convert me. I thought about putting a sign at window saying “Seriously ill person resting. Do not disturb.” Then, I had a second thought. That would be a sign to criminals saying “Rob me. I’m your soft target”.
Wednesday evening, someone knocked on my door again. This time it was persistent. So I dragged my weak body to the door. He was almost leaving the gate. He happened to be a lawyer. He had my photo to confirm my identity. He gave me a copy of divorce application and made me sign the affidavit. It made me feel really uncomfortable that they somehow tracked me down to where I live now. I feared my safety for a moment. At the same time, I was pleased that I didn’t have to speak to my ex.
About next 8 hours, my head was spinning with lots of thoughts, memories and emotions. I was lying in bed and closed my eyes and feeling really sick. But I couldn’t sleep at all. I ended up not sleeping the night or the next morning. According to the letter, I have 28 days to respond to the application. If I didn’t do anything, I don’t need to go to the court. And divorce will be granted.
From the paper, it was clear he didn’t want me to know where he lives. His paranoid mind may be worried that I would send him police officers… Interestingly and understandably, his occupation had become “unemployed”.
Although I have no objection about the divorce, something was really bothering me. I would be very happy once the divorce is finalised. (I’m already planning to cerebrate it with cappuccino.) Then I thought and thought. I guess the reason why I was upset was because it was the reality that there will be no justice for what happened. And the reality is I am too ill and disabled to bring the justice by myself. In my ideal world, everybody’s life is equal. But in reality, life is not fair.
The best justice I can have is the peace I have now. What about the justice for him…? I hope that karma will take care of it.
From around Thursday, I felt the gastro virus was turning into head cold. I was still in the heavy brain fog. When I looked back the last two weeks, I wasn’t really sure what was happening to me. I felt as if I was somewhere between nowhere. It was not just space wise, but also time wise.
At least, constipation was relieved, and the unusual symptoms from severe constipation were gone.
Now it is Sunday, and the left over gastro virus has gone. Appetite is coming back. And I feel my constipation is also coming back. (even it is still sewage water…) I’m wondering if I should stick to 5 sachets of Movicol after all.
*sigh* Just like the two weeks in twilight zone, this post doesn’t have any point…