Three Mondays ago, I showed up to my regular fortnightly appointment at Medical Centre. I may have been running little late because I wasn’t feeling strong and it was taking longer to get ready. But knowing Dr TL, being 5 minutes late wouldn’t have any effect on the appointment.
There was a new and rather angry looking receptionist at the counter and she told me that I must have showed up at a wrong clinic. I tried to explain that I always come and see Dr TL and I made the appointment with other receptionist, C. This new receptionist insisted that I didn’t have the appointment and it was impossible for me to see the doctor as there was still 10 patients waiting. At this moment, my brain crashed and I couldn’t think anymore.
Since I was standing there in blank face not knowing what to do, she asked my name. Then she told me that my appointment was actually with the doctor I never met on the following day. She looked at me as if I was very stupid.
I don’t know what was happening, but it was upsetting me very much. I tried to explain to this receptionist that my appointment was supposed to be now, or at least today, and I have no intention of seeing the doctor I’m supposed to see the following day.
She had no interests in my explanation and was certainly not going to find out why this happened or offer me some solution. She just didn’t care. I was getting weak rapidly, so I made another appointment on Wed, and slowly walked back to my car, still being very confused.
As I was walking back to the car, I saw my neighbour friends J & K drove into the car park. Since they knew I had an appointment that time, they asked if I already saw Dr TL. While they were asking the question, they realised that it was impossible that I had already seen the doctor. I explained what just happened.
K got very upset and said this shouldn’t happen; especially for me who have to take extra efforts to go out and suffer afterwards. But what can I do? I explained that I already made another appointment on Wed, so I would come back. K still insisted that this wasn’t right and told that she would sort things out for me. When I saw her marching into the Medical Centre, I wondered when was the last time someone actually stood up for me?
While waiting for K, I sat in my car and chat with J. K was taking long and we wondered what she was doing. As soon as J found out that I was going to pull the wheelchair out and get some medicines, he took my list of medicines and went to the Chemist for me.
K came back and explained what she did. The receptionist wasn’t happy because it was almost her time to go home, but there was still 10 patients waiting. So, K took one step further and waited for Dr TL to come out from his office and spoke with him. Dr TL would love to see me if I didn’t mind waiting. I don’t mind waiting. But I felt I shouldn’t receive the special treatment especially because the appointment error wasn’t Dr TL’s fault at all. He already had a long day, and it was still going. I’d prefer him to go home to have well deserved rest than seeing an extra patient whom he takes extra time to discuss issues. My appointment for the Wednesday was already made, so I prefer to come back when he is ready for me.
K was still keen to make things right for me. So I asked her to double check the Wednesday appointment for me. After all this hassles, I should have the Wednesday appointment for sure. I thanked K for standing up for me.
There was another new receptionist on Wednesday, but she was much nicer than Monday one. Dr TL noticed me in the waiting room. We exchanged smiles and little waves when he was ushering his next patient to his office.
While waiting, the receptionist was asking permission to patients for an attendance of a trainee doctor in the consultation room. If we didn’t feel comfortable, we could choose him not be there. I didn’t see any problem with that. At the same time, I was curious how much ME/CFS knowledge this new doctor has.
As I was walking into Dr TL’s office, I was introduced to a young doctor, Dr A, from overseas. I shook his hand to greet. For a second, I thought that this may not acceptable to his culture. But I thought again that he should be accustomed with Australian culture as he was going to practice in Australia. I used to have pen pals from his country when I was young.
Dr TL explained that I have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (in Queensland, this is the official name…), which can be very debilitating. When I do something, I suffer badly afterwards with payback. I noticed his cheeky grin, as I taught him the word “payback”. Medical term would be post exertional malaise, doctor. 
He sent me to a few test to exclude other possibilities. I was not working due to severity of the illness. He also mentioned that I was an accountant to save my ego. I asked Dr A if he studied about CFS. He said “a little bit”, but I didn’t see any confidence in his face. That’s okay. But does he willing to learn more?
I updated how I did with the antibiotics. I mentioned that I actually got good energy to tidy up front garden at the last days of antibiotics. (Although it was gentle and very slow activity.) Cheeky Dr TL, then punched my address into his computer and brought up Google street view. I teased him that it was stalking. But I knew the view is an old photo shot and even if it is a live view, he wouldn’t able to see much difference.
He noticed that I had a huge envelop from Ultra Sound. He looked into the envelop, but there was no report. I told him that the report was coming to him by fax. He went out to check if he had the report.
Dr A took this opportunity to ask me a couple of questions about my symptoms. He asked me when is “high”. I assumed he was asking when is my good time. I told him that my condition changes constantly and I cannot say when I would have good moment or bad moment. From the blankness of his expression, I felt this was not the answer he was expecting… Then he asked how my sleep was. So I said I have big problems with sleep as it constantly shifting as if my day is 26 or 28 instead of 24 hours. “No. No.” This time, he was little frustrated that it wasn’t what he asked. I didn’t know what I answered wrong, but if I didn’t give him the right answer, he may have asked a wrong question. He was probably going to give me some advice for something.
At this moment, Dr TL came back. He didn’t have the report from Ultra Sound. But he had a letter from the Neurologist. Oh, Goody!
It seemed a long letter, and Dr TL’s face was very serious while he was reading. I assumed that the letter was recommending pushing me for psychiatrist because of the suspicion of controversial psychological disorder such as Functional Disorder or Conversion Disorder. (If you are a new reader, please read my previous post.)
Based on my assumption, I started defending myself. Although I can no longer read and listen at the same time, he must be able to do this effectively as I used to be able to. I didn’t wait for him to finish the letter. I was babbling what I believe, my experiences with psychiatrists, how it deteriorated my health, and it kept going on and on.
I didn’t plan my life to be like this. I had ambitions and I made efforts and sacrifices to achieve my goals. I had tough life, but I dealt with them. I don’t want to live like this for rest of my life. I want to get better. That’s why I’m waiting for a proper treatment. Not the one comes with psycho bubbles and blame games. Psychological treatments didn’t cure me, but deteriorated my health greatly. They gave me mental and physical tortures through self blame. I DON’T want to be sick and my mind DOESN’T create symptoms. And I DON’T want to be a victim of psychological treatment anymore. Over and over, medical professions try to force me into psychological treatment. I really want it to stop already. If the Neurologist cannot help me, that’s fine by me. Just don’t harm my health anymore.
I was begging, “Please don’t sell me to psychiatrist!”
When finish reading, Dr TL looked at me. He was little confused or frustrated…
“If you have any psychological condition, there are usually other signs. But you just don’t have them.”
He printed out prescription for another two weeks antibiotics. If my condition doesn’t pick up after a week, I can give it another go.
Then he whispered that he didn’t know what to do after that… It was still okay by me because he wasn’t harming my health. And there will be something to treat the condition one day, the real treatment. Dr TL has skills and knowledge to judge if the treatment would work for me and safe for me.
I shook Dr A’s hand to say good bye. I’m not sure if he learned something from this consultation. I couldn’t explain the last bit because it needs lots of time to do so. ME/CFS is not the kind of illness that you can get it in short conversation… And it will take for a while for any young doctors to become like Dr TL.
Dr TL commented on my favourite Robert Frost’s poem.
It is a very short one, so I can recite it when I’m having a good moment, but I still struggle to remember during bad moment. (It goes the same for the piano. When I’m having good moment, my fingers still sort of fly for short moments. But during the bad moment, clumsiness only frustrates me. And when I’m in really bad moment, I cannot even sit in front of the piano or my arms are too weak.) He told me he used to read lots of Frost’s work, but he didn’t know the one I showed him. I haven’t read much of his work, but I like his style. I felt bit guilty not involving Dr A to our conversation, so I tried to explain what we were talking about. But my attempt was little awkward.
We shook hands to say good bye. He gave me an assurance that I have an extremely caring doctor and usual kind smile.
Three Mondays ago, I showed up to my regular fortnightly appointment at Medical Centre. I may have been running little late because I wasn’t feeling strong and it was taking longer to get ready. But knowing Dr TL, being 5 minutes late wouldn’t have any effect on the appointment.
There was a new and rather angry looking receptionist at the counter and she told me that I must have showed up at a wrong clinic. I tried to explain that I always come and see Dr TL and I made the appointment with other receptionist, C. This new receptionist insisted that I didn’t have the appointment and it was impossible for me to see the doctor as there was still 10 patients waiting. At this moment, my brain crashed and I couldn’t think anymore.
Since I was standing there in blank face not knowing what to do, she asked my name. Then she told me that my appointment was actually with the doctor I never met on the following day. She looked at me as if I was very stupid.
I don’t know what was happening, but it was upsetting me very much. I tried to explain to this receptionist that my appointment was supposed to be now, or at least today, and I have no intention of seeing the doctor I’m supposed to see the following day.
She had no interests in my explanation and was certainly not going to find out why this happened or offer me some solution. She just didn’t care. I was getting weak rapidly, so I made another appointment on Wed, and slowly walked back to my car, still being very confused.
As I was walking back to the car, I saw my neighbour friends J & K drove into the car park. Since they knew I had an appointment that time, they asked if I already saw Dr TL. While they were asking the question, they realised that it was impossible that I had already seen the doctor. I explained what just happened.
K got very upset and said this shouldn’t happen; especially for me who have to take extra efforts to go out and suffer afterwards. But what can I do? I explained that I already made another appointment on Wed, so I would come back. K still insisted that this wasn’t right and told that she would sort things out for me. When I saw her marching into the Medical Centre, I wondered when was the last time someone actually stood up for me?
While waiting for K, I sat in my car and chat with J. K was taking long and we wondered what she was doing. As soon as J found out that I was going to pull the wheelchair out and get some medicines, he took my list of medicines and went to the Chemist for me.
K came back and explained what she did. The receptionist wasn’t happy because it was almost her time to go home, but there was still 10 patients waiting. So, K took one step further and waited for Dr TL to come out from his office and spoke with him. Dr TL would love to see me if I didn’t mind waiting. I don’t mind waiting. But I felt I shouldn’t receive the special treatment especially because the appointment error wasn’t Dr TL’s fault at all. He already had a long day, and it was still going. I’d prefer him to go home to have well deserved rest than seeing an extra patient whom he takes extra time to discuss issues. My appointment for the Wednesday was already made, so I prefer to come back when he is ready for me.
K was still keen to make things right for me. So I asked her to double check the Wednesday appointment for me. After all this hassles, I should have the Wednesday appointment for sure. I thanked K for standing up for me.
There was another new receptionist on Wednesday, but she was much nicer than Monday one. Dr TL noticed me in the waiting room. We exchanged smiles and little waves when he was ushering his next patient to his office.
While waiting, the receptionist was asking permission to patients for an attendance of a trainee doctor in the consultation room. If we didn’t feel comfortable, we could choose him not be there. I didn’t see any problem with that. At the same time, I was curious how much ME/CFS knowledge this new doctor has.
As I was walking into Dr TL’s office, I was introduced to a young doctor, Dr A, from overseas. I shook his hand to greet. For a second, I thought that this may not acceptable to his culture. But I thought again that he should be accustomed with Australian culture as he was going to practice in Australia. I used to have pen pals from his country when I was young.
Dr TL explained that I have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (in Queensland, this is the official name…), which can be very debilitating. When I do something, I suffer badly afterwards with payback. I noticed his cheeky grin, as I taught him the word “payback”. Medical term would be post exertional malaise, doctor.
He sent me to a few test to exclude other possibilities. I was not working due to severity of the illness. He also mentioned that I was an accountant to save my ego. I asked Dr A if he studied about CFS. He said “a little bit”, but I didn’t see any confidence in his face. That’s okay. But does he willing to learn more?
I updated how I did with the antibiotics. I mentioned that I actually got good energy to tidy up front garden at the last days of antibiotics. (Although it was gentle and very slow activity.) Cheeky Dr TL, then punched my address into his computer and brought up Google street view. I teased him that it was stalking. But I knew the view is an old photo shot and even if it is a live view, he wouldn’t able to see much difference.
He noticed that I had a huge envelop from Ultra Sound. He looked into the envelop, but there was no report. I told him that the report was coming to him by fax. He went out to check if he had the report.
Dr A took this opportunity to ask me a couple of questions about my symptoms. He asked me when is “high”. I assumed he was asking when is my good time. I told him that my condition changes constantly and I cannot say when I would have good moment or bad moment. From the blankness of his expression, I felt this was not the answer he was expecting… Then he asked how my sleep was. So I said I have big problems with sleep as it constantly shifting as if my day is 26 or 28 instead of 24 hours. “No. No.” This time, he was little frustrated that it wasn’t what he asked. I didn’t know what I answered wrong, but if I didn’t give him the right answer, he may have asked a wrong question. He was probably going to give me some advice for something.
At this moment, Dr TL came back. He didn’t have the report from Ultra Sound. But he had a letter from the Neurologist. Oh, Goody!
It seemed a long letter, and Dr TL’s face was very serious while he was reading. I assumed that the letter was recommending pushing me for psychiatrist because of the suspicion of controversial psychological disorder such as Functional Disorder or Conversion Disorder. (If you are a new reader, please read my previous post.)
Based on my assumption, I started defending myself. Although I can no longer read and listen at the same time, he must be able to do this effectively as I used to be able to. I didn’t wait for him to finish the letter. I was babbling what I believe, my experiences with psychiatrists, how it deteriorated my health, and it kept going on and on.
I didn’t plan my life to be like this. I had ambitions and I made efforts and sacrifices to achieve my goals. I had tough life, but I dealt with them. I don’t want to live like this for rest of my life. I want to get better. That’s why I’m waiting for a proper treatment. Not the one comes with psycho bubbles and blame games. Psychological treatments didn’t cure me, but deteriorated my health greatly. They gave me mental and physical tortures through self blame. I DON’T want to be sick and my mind DOESN’T create symptoms. And I DON’T want to be a victim of psychological treatment anymore. Over and over, medical professions try to force me into psychological treatment. I really want it to stop already. If the Neurologist cannot help me, that’s fine by me. Just don’t harm my health anymore.
I was begging, “Please don’t sell me to psychiatrist!”
When finish reading, Dr TL looked at me. He was little confused or frustrated…
“If you have any psychological condition, there are usually other signs. But you just don’t have them.”
He printed out prescription for another two weeks antibiotics. If my condition doesn’t pick up after a week, I can give it another go.
Then he whispered that he didn’t know what to do after that… It was still okay by me because he wasn’t harming my health. And there will be something to treat the condition one day, the real treatment. Dr TL has skills and knowledge to judge if the treatment would work for me and safe for me.
I shook Dr A’s hand to say good bye. I’m not sure if he learned something from this consultation. I couldn’t explain the last bit because it needs lots of time to do so. ME/CFS is not the kind of illness that you can get it in short conversation… And it will take for a while for any young doctors to become like Dr TL.
Dr TL commented on my favourite Robert Frost’s poem.
It is a very short one, so I can recite it when I’m having a good moment, but I still struggle to remember during bad moment. (It goes the same for the piano. When I’m having good moment, my fingers still sort of fly for short moments. But during the bad moment, clumsiness only frustrates me. And when I’m in really bad moment, I cannot even sit in front of the piano or my arms are too weak.) He told me he used to read lots of Frost’s work, but he didn’t know the one I showed him. I haven’t read much of his work, but I like his style. I felt bit guilty not involving Dr A to our conversation, so I tried to explain what we were talking about. But my attempt was little awkward.
We shook hands to say good bye. He gave me an assurance that I have an extremely caring doctor and usual kind smile.