When I grew up, I was always told to push through whatever difficulty I was going through. I have watched for years, as my mother got up every day, no matter how bad she felt, and did everything that was required of her…and then some.
In the military I was taught to focus and just do it. There was very little thought. It was more of an instinctive reaction – one that was honed through hours and hours of training and discipline.
As a woman, I heard over and over, from society, that I could be a super-woman who could do it and have it all.
As an American patriot, the repeated Horatio stories often reminded me that there was nothing I couldn’t do if I just put my mind, will, and determination to getting it accomplished.
I have always pictured my life like a book, if you will. There is a beginning, a middle, and then of course, an end. In the beginning (no I did not intend to take that from the book of Genesis!) I was born in France, moved to America when I was eight (8), and then grew into a woman who served her country for eight (8) years in the USAF.
Obviously, or perhaps I should say, Thank God, the end has not yet arrived for me! However, truth be told, I have always imagined my final days on earth happening much like the feverishly winding crescendo of the climax one discoveries between the pages of their favorite book. I even visualized the last moments of my life being wrapped up nice and neat in the perfection of all denouement ever devised. I guess I will have to wait till I get to the other side of heaven to determine if I am right or not! 
Then of course, there is the middle …
All through my life, I have always been led to believe that all I need to do is just keep pushing and moving to get through whatever obstacle there was in my life at that time, and I would come out on the other side of it.
And for many years, it worked. It worked really well.
Until … I became sick with mono. After a year with it, the doctors finally realized I had ME/CFS. A year after that, I was diagnosed with FMS. Never for a moment, upon the receipt of these diagnoses, did I ever think that I would not come out on the other side. I always innately believed that this was just another obstacle that I had to push and work through. Put my shoulder to the task, and give everything I had.
And so I did.
But something strange happened that I never imagined in a million years. To be honest, I don’t think any human being thinks that this strange occurrence is even possible and yet, here I stand, a witness to that very fact.
You see, I have recently realized that I completed the beginning of my life, and hopefully, will complete the end of my life, years down the road. But what I never intended was to somehow get stuck in the middle of an illness (or two) and never be able to come out the other side.
I have spent 20+ years in the middle of this obstacle without a clue how to come out the other side. Science has offered me no viable solutions. Medicine has failed miserably to afford me the ability to move forward and through this illness-obstacle. Friends and family stand on the sideline – after 20 years – unsure of what to say or what to do to help me to the other side, while feverishly looking for any cure that comes on the market that may provide me the bridge to the other side of this place called, middle.
It is as if I have entered a no-man’s land and someone blocked all the exit doors. Or maybe a better analogy would be this feeling of wandering in the desert for the past 20 years, wondering if I will continue to wander there for another 20 years. (Again, no intentional reference to Genesis here).
It’s as if I have entered an alternate world where I am forced to live in a never-ending middle. To think I have been in the midst of this obstacle with no solutions for 20 years is staggering to me.
What if this middle lasts another 20 years? Does the end to this illness-obstacle coincide with my physical-life end? And if so, how do I function in the middle so that I can see the future on the other side? How do I live in this place of suspension where I can neither go forward nor backwards in finding a permanent solution/cure to these illnesses? I am just stranded in this place called, middle?
Perhaps this is why so many people have such great difficulty understanding my plight and those like me. How do you help someone come to peace in the middle of a situation when you believe with everything in you, we are to work through it and come out the other side?
Inevitably, questions of my unwillingness to get well arise. Or questions concerning whether or not I am really as bad “as I think I am”, pop up. All because there is this perspective in our world that we as humans are always called to move through obstacles. That is the surest sign of victory – this idea of becoming an over comer instead of a victim by moving through an obstacle.
But is that really an accurate picture? What if I cannot move through a particular situation/obstacle? Does that necessarily doom me to never achieving? Never being perceived as accomplished, worthy, courageous?
I don’t know the answers to my questions, yet. But my gut tells me that perhaps my striving and struggling to get through to the other side, hinders me more than it helps me. What if the nuggets of life are here with me in this place called, middle? What if my greatest ability to learn and become all that I can be, can only happen here, in this place called, middle? What if my focus on getting through this illness-obstacle, prevents me from seeing the miracles here in my midst in this place called, middle?
What if I sacrifice everything to get to the other-side, only to discover that this place called, middle, was the perfect place for me to become the best me possible?
Determined to continue forward,
© 2010,
4Walls and AView . All rights reserved.
When I grew up, I was always told to push through whatever difficulty I was going through. I have watched for years, as my mother got up every day, no matter how bad she felt, and did everything that was required of her…and then some.
In the military I was taught to focus and just do it. There was very little thought. It was more of an instinctive reaction – one that was honed through hours and hours of training and discipline.
As a woman, I heard over and over, from society, that I could be a super-woman who could do it and have it all.
As an American patriot, the repeated Horatio stories often reminded me that there was nothing I couldn’t do if I just put my mind, will, and determination to getting it accomplished.
I have always pictured my life like a book, if you will. There is a beginning, a middle, and then of course, an end. In the beginning (no I did not intend to take that from the book of Genesis!) I was born in France, moved to America when I was eight (8), and then grew into a woman who served her country for eight (8) years in the USAF.
Obviously, or perhaps I should say, Thank God, the end has not yet arrived for me! However, truth be told, I have always imagined my final days on earth happening much like the feverishly winding crescendo of the climax one discoveries between the pages of their favorite book. I even visualized the last moments of my life being wrapped up nice and neat in the perfection of all denouement ever devised. I guess I will have to wait till I get to the other side of heaven to determine if I am right or not!
Then of course, there is the middle …
All through my life, I have always been led to believe that all I need to do is just keep pushing and moving to get through whatever obstacle there was in my life at that time, and I would come out on the other side of it.
And for many years, it worked. It worked really well.
Until … I became sick with mono. After a year with it, the doctors finally realized I had ME/CFS. A year after that, I was diagnosed with FMS. Never for a moment, upon the receipt of these diagnoses, did I ever think that I would not come out on the other side. I always innately believed that this was just another obstacle that I had to push and work through. Put my shoulder to the task, and give everything I had.
And so I did.
But something strange happened that I never imagined in a million years. To be honest, I don’t think any human being thinks that this strange occurrence is even possible and yet, here I stand, a witness to that very fact.
You see, I have recently realized that I completed the beginning of my life, and hopefully, will complete the end of my life, years down the road. But what I never intended was to somehow get stuck in the middle of an illness (or two) and never be able to come out the other side.
I have spent 20+ years in the middle of this obstacle without a clue how to come out the other side. Science has offered me no viable solutions. Medicine has failed miserably to afford me the ability to move forward and through this illness-obstacle. Friends and family stand on the sideline – after 20 years – unsure of what to say or what to do to help me to the other side, while feverishly looking for any cure that comes on the market that may provide me the bridge to the other side of this place called, middle.
It is as if I have entered a no-man’s land and someone blocked all the exit doors. Or maybe a better analogy would be this feeling of wandering in the desert for the past 20 years, wondering if I will continue to wander there for another 20 years. (Again, no intentional reference to Genesis here).
It’s as if I have entered an alternate world where I am forced to live in a never-ending middle. To think I have been in the midst of this obstacle with no solutions for 20 years is staggering to me.
What if this middle lasts another 20 years? Does the end to this illness-obstacle coincide with my physical-life end? And if so, how do I function in the middle so that I can see the future on the other side? How do I live in this place of suspension where I can neither go forward nor backwards in finding a permanent solution/cure to these illnesses? I am just stranded in this place called, middle?
Perhaps this is why so many people have such great difficulty understanding my plight and those like me. How do you help someone come to peace in the middle of a situation when you believe with everything in you, we are to work through it and come out the other side?
Inevitably, questions of my unwillingness to get well arise. Or questions concerning whether or not I am really as bad “as I think I am”, pop up. All because there is this perspective in our world that we as humans are always called to move through obstacles. That is the surest sign of victory – this idea of becoming an over comer instead of a victim by moving through an obstacle.
But is that really an accurate picture? What if I cannot move through a particular situation/obstacle? Does that necessarily doom me to never achieving? Never being perceived as accomplished, worthy, courageous?
I don’t know the answers to my questions, yet. But my gut tells me that perhaps my striving and struggling to get through to the other side, hinders me more than it helps me. What if the nuggets of life are here with me in this place called, middle? What if my greatest ability to learn and become all that I can be, can only happen here, in this place called, middle? What if my focus on getting through this illness-obstacle, prevents me from seeing the miracles here in my midst in this place called, middle?
What if I sacrifice everything to get to the other-side, only to discover that this place called, middle, was the perfect place for me to become the best me possible?
Determined to continue forward,
© 2010, 4Walls and AView . All rights reserved.