Of late I have found myself resting with relative ease on the shore. Most of the time it is sunny overhead, except for the odd cloud that passes by at an acceptable pace. And I've been thinking about that girl of the last few years––with a heavy weight noosed around her ankle––and wondering what I'd say to her if I ever happened to bump into her (although I sure hope not).
And this is exactly what I'd say
Dear Treya of the last lost years,
It is funny amidst all the turbulent waves of sickness how one struggles to get enough air in to ventilate the soul. Of course, one just about gets their head above water here and there, desperately gasping some much-needed air; just enough for the body to survive; the poor soul has to feed on the scraps...
I wonder if you are being economical with this sparse air? It is natural that you lament. The tendency is to try to return to that sunny place where you were before the giant wave struck. But what is it that you lament after? The society to which you belonged? Belonged?? The people in which you were able to see your own reflection?
Is it really that scary being left alone with yourself? Or are you lucky to that you are rid of some of the clutter and noise? If meditation is about being alone in silence, within your own mind, what would Buddha have said about such isolation as yours? Let your awareness flourish, perhaps...
Ralph Emerson might have thought your situation was a positive one: He believed that all greatness comes from solitude; merits are found in cutting oneself off from those around you, promoting wisdom and spirituality.
"The voyage of the best ship is a zigzag line of a hundred tracks.
...these varieties are lost sight of at a little distance...
...the line... ... straightens itself..."
Ralph Emerson, self-reliance - Essays
So perhaps you are lucky to find yourself at a distance. You get to observe the zigzags, whilst those out there in the rat race might not, too busy following each other along a straight line.
In the future, when you manage to get your head above water for a deep breath, take what's needed for your body, give the rest to your starving soul, and give nothing to your past or to those who tried to catch you in their nets––made up of their thoughts and prejudices. Out of such truth, you will continue to grow, that I promise!
Perhaps then you will find yourself in stiller waters... And if so, remember this: Row your boat gently down the stream!!