The wheel is turning again, and once more I find myself at a place of change. I've found myself at a place of greater awareness, a place where awareness of myself and my life is needed. Whilst there are still many questions unanswered about my health, and still many more investigations to be done, I find myself questioning other parts of my illness that I perhaps can change a bit for the better? So the big 'issue' that I find myself pondering–– is stress, and it's unbelievably tangled web in relation to this illness and life in general. The last few months have been very stressful for me. Why?? `probably this is a natural part of the journey, but there has been no doubt some triggers involved. Feeling really well at Christmas, to crashing badly and being very sick––to turning thirty, and snowballing from there really. I guess I really thought I would be better by now, and I kinda freaked out when all of the above happened.
I feel that there are many elements to this illness: peoples reactions, emotional support, financial problems, relationship issues (friendships, family, etc), loneliness, loss of Independence, etc, that are constantly pushing buttons that 'we' don't want pushed, or have never had pushed.
I read something the other day that I feel is very appropriate to what I feel one experiences when living with this illness, and which I'm sure is true for many difficulties that are 'forced' upon people in life,
"You can never tell what people have inside them until you start taking it away, one hope at a time"
Gregory David Roberts. Shantaram.
So basically, I feel that many of these issues (surrounding ME/CFS) I find myself having to deal with are in fact triggering issues that go way back. Things that I don't understand about myself. It's scary as hell!!!!! There are things coming up from 'inside'. This is something that I feel is only natural, and that would happen to anyone in this position, but it can be VERY VERY confusing.
The thing is that I don't have anywhere to hide anymore. I have to get to know myself inside-out. So with that, I decided to go back to therapy. I went for the first time when I relapsed a year and a half ago, but stopped for financial reasons about 7 months in. I need to learn more about what is triggering what with me. What am I having to deal with now psychologically that is also triggering things deep within my subconsciousnes???? Yes people, I'm ready to go to the scary place... If it means that life now can be made any less stressful, and if it can help with my recovery the I am ready. Nothing major has happened in my life. But every one of us has some kind of issues. I reckon a lot of my issues will be linked to me being a very emotional/open/individual person living in a thick skinned, sheep-like world. A square living amongst circles.....
So that's it for now. I'm taking the plunge!!! I've already had to two sessions, and I feel it has been a very positive decision. It has been SO good to talk to someone, to be truly listened to.