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Stocktaking.

Posted May 27 2010 12:00am
I think the Blue Tits have flown. I haven't seen one this morning. I was so looking forward to that moment when the fledglings hop out of the box with their parents anxiously calling encouragement. AJ heard a bit of commotion this morning, so I guess it was then. Last night we were out walking and did see a little Long Tailed Tit family who had obviously just fledged. So I haven't entirely missed it but I'm still a little disappointed. I hope they got safely away.

I was going to use this post to take stock. Things are shifting, and quickly. I'm in a period of very rapid personal growth and rather enjoying the ride although it has its hairy moments. I'm still dinosaur grappling but the little bastard is nicely where I can see it and the power is going out of the traumatic memories. So, there is time and energy for other things, like normal family life.

Little R arrived with an eight foot paddling pool last weekend, which, of course, had to be inflated and filled right NOW. He was so excited he couldn't sleep. It kept him, and us, occupied for a gloriously hot weekend. As it filled most of our back yard I had to take my shoes and socks off in order to hang the washing, much to R's hilarity. And Sunday afternoon the thing had to be emptied, deflated and dried to go back with him. There's nothing like mucking around with water in hot weather and AJ and I filled next door's water butt, two dustbins and several buckets as we didn't want to waste any. That was hard work and I'm still feeling it today. However, this is good, the post-exertional malaise came immediately and I haven't had a two day lag. Short recovery time is back!

Bliss of bliss, I managed a walk on my own on Tuesday afternoon. A two-stick walk with plenty of sit-downs. Yesterday was the long drive to the Art Project where I completed my wire flower and had some chatty, up-beat time. I was pretty gonzo yesterday evening, but again, not too bad today.

So, with the onset of Summer and the help of counselling I've moved up a gear. I get payback in the form of more muscle pain and I use my TENS to help with that. I'm emotionally rather fragile. My reaction to the loss of my mobile phone has been a bit over the top. It was stolen, by the way, and it has cost me as I didn't have it insured and the little gits downloaded thirty quid's worth of ringtones and probably porn to boot. Oddly, I'm still looking for it, even though I've now received a replacement. I think the intrusion into my personal space had resonance for me.

Last night AJ asked me if I was happier now, if I thought I'd done the right thing by being with him again. Happy doesn't really come into it. If I had known that old wounds would be opened and what was ahead, yes, I'd still do it. I'm different now, just a year on, and I'm different. For me, it's not about happiness but the whole experience of life - the 'felt experience'. I had no idea I was still operating with a significant part of myself locked up behind an impermeable membrane. I thought I'd recovered it all, but I hadn't. The hardest bit was still to come. I shall be fifty in September. It has taken nearly a lifetime to find my full self. Oh, it has been worth it! And then there's Us. What was meant to be, but couldn't be and now is.
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