So where does that leave me? I truly believe that when I do get better, I'll be happier than I ever imagined. I realize there's no degree, career, or amount of money that can even begin to outline happiness for me, because all I've had to keep my spirits up the past 3 years is everything I am now, with no career, no extra degrees, no accolades. Yet I feel for the first time that my existence is truly meaningful. One of the biggest downfalls of Asian communities is we're taught filial piety: respect your elders, your parents, your country, but we're not taught about true selflessness toward the community at large. Some of my peers say they want to give back to the community...as soon as they have enough money in the bank to last a few lifetimes. Too many people can't wait for that help.
Even if I never recover & never go back to work, every year I stay sick is another year of experience I can use to help other patients just starting out. See, one day there will be a cure for CFIDS. Possibly within my lifetime. But if I can help myself now, it makes no sense why I can't and shouldn't help others.
With the odds of complete recovery from full-blown CFIDS being so meager, I'd be a fool to think that once I feel recovered I could run buck naked drunk around town or study like my life depends on it. Actually, it does, just not in the way you think. Whenever patients get better & then relapse with CFIDS, it's from resuming their old Type A ways. Regardless of when I go back to school or where I work, I'm resigned to the fact that I can ill afford to shoot for the moon again. Granted, this would certainly not be the case if I were perfectly healthy, but given the circumstances, this is what separates me from my peers. A few ideas of happiness: Making enough money to lead a comfortable life. (If a couple of two grade-school teachers & their child can afford to travel to a different part of the world for months out of every year, there's no reason why I need to sell my soul to enjoy the rest of my life.) Walking til my pedometer's battery dies. Trail running. Being outside all day. Reading for hours at a different section of the bookstore every few days. Using any opportunity to see friends. Appreciating the fact that I can study something I'm interested in, even if it means graduating at the bottom of my class.
Even if I never recover & never go back to work, every year I stay sick is another year of experience I can use to help other patients just starting out. See, one day there will be a cure for CFIDS. Possibly within my lifetime. But if I can help myself now, it makes no sense why I can't and shouldn't help others.
With the odds of complete recovery from full-blown CFIDS being so meager, I'd be a fool to think that once I feel recovered I could run buck naked drunk around town or study like my life depends on it. Actually, it does, just not in the way you think. Whenever patients get better & then relapse with CFIDS, it's from resuming their old Type A ways. Regardless of when I go back to school or where I work, I'm resigned to the fact that I can ill afford to shoot for the moon again. Granted, this would certainly not be the case if I were perfectly healthy, but given the circumstances, this is what separates me from my peers. A few ideas of happiness: Making enough money to lead a comfortable life. (If a couple of two grade-school teachers & their child can afford to travel to a different part of the world for months out of every year, there's no reason why I need to sell my soul to enjoy the rest of my life.) Walking til my pedometer's battery dies. Trail running. Being outside all day. Reading for hours at a different section of the bookstore every few days. Using any opportunity to see friends. Appreciating the fact that I can study something I'm interested in, even if it means graduating at the bottom of my class.
The End.