Since I had near syncope episode at the clinic, I’m struggling physically. There is some problem with my lung and it is under investigation at the moment. Those bad incidences have triggered bad ME/CFS flare up.
At the same time, I’m trying to cope with emotional distress. Someone offended me deeply and hurt my feelings deeply. It made me depressed.
I had an interesting conversation with my concerned doctor. And he gave me a homework to look up on Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). Judging from the way we came to the term, he wasn’t suggesting I have this condition.
By borrowing article from NIMH page , this is what he explained as one of BPD characteristics.
they can develop intense but stormy attachments, their attitudes towards family, friends, and loved ones may suddenly shift from idealization (great admiration and love) to devaluation (intense anger and dislike). Thus, they may form an immediate attachment and idealize the other person, but when a slight separation or conflict occurs, they switch unexpectedly to the other extreme and angrily accuse the other person of not caring for them at all.
At this time, I was waiting for apology. I didn’t feel this fits to the person. But he seemed to know the situation would get worse…
I read up on BPD. Some article made me feel I have the BPD. I could see some psychiatrists would love to give me the diagnose by judging from what happened in my life. But I’m sure that good healthcare professionals (like my doctor) would dismiss it by looking at who I am now and how well I put my past behind me. After reading different articles from different organisations, I feel the name Borderline Personality Disorder is misleading.
I didn’t receive apology. Instead, I received further malicious attack on my feelings. It hurt me even deeper. At this point, whole thing became impossible. I also recognised the pattern in abusive relationship. Because of that, I really need to stay away from this person now. Situation like this is hard enough to deal with when you are healthy. It is impossible when you are physically struggling. I cannot face hearing another pointless and malicious criticism about me and my past.
My doctor didn’t give me the homework to label someone with mental illness. He gave me the homework because he knows the knowledge will protect me from getting hurt any further. Unfortunately, it didn’t protect me from getting hurt. But it is helping me with coping. I’m not the horrible person whom this person told me.
The truth is that I cannot deal with this now. I don’t think anything will work out until the person learn to respect my feelings. I cannot make this person understand my point of view. This person needs to find it out by herself.
I do not feel the need to blame me for my illness. Illness happens. It has nothing to do with my past. I’m doing my best to cope with the condition and limitations. Non-recovery doesn’t mean I chose to stay sick and disabled. I certainly don’t need someone to insult me and hurt me in the name of help…, the help I’d explained many times I don’t have faith in.
If the person needs to hear how I felt, hopefully this post can give it. However, I’m too hurt to talk to this person.
I need to keep my peace.
Because of the nature of the problem, I would appreciate it if you don’t leave comment to this post. Thank you.
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These are some of the articles I’ve read.
National Institute of Mental Health ( NIMH ) – Borderline Personality Disorder