I have had several people ask me how I am doing these past few days so I thought I would respond here on my blog. To be honest, I haven’t talked about it because I’m not even sure how to respond. But I will do my best.
Lately I have been feeling like I am walking in a maze and I can’t find my way out. No matter what I do … or more appropriately … don’t do, I am repeatedly crashing. It’s as if I have lost any ability to correctly read the signals within my body and I keep trying to do something, anything, only to find myself crashing yet again.
It has now become the norm for me to crash from 2-7 every day regardless to how easy I take it during the day. I’m so wiped out that I start having the inner vibration thingy, plus, I can no longer sit up or even recline. I have to get into a prone position and stay put until 7 at night (give or take) when things calm down and then I can again sit up (recline) for an hour or two.
I thought that perhaps I should schedule a morning rest period in order to help me not crash like this, but that doesn’t appear to reduce the afternoon crash except that maybe it shortens the time I have to lie prone by an hour or two.
In addition, my vocal chords are still acting up. I have decided to not speak above a whisper this week which works. My lymph nodes calm down, the lymph node pain reduces and my sore throat even gets better.
However, the minute I start speaking normal, the raspy voice returns and I inevitably crash. It’s nuts!
In addition, the eye issues are still problematic, although, I must say that my eyes do much better if I reduce my time online and stay away from using my eyes to read books, text, etc. I find that I don’t get to the “I’ve been punched in the eye” pain levels, but pretty much stay at the “I have the flu in my eyes” feeling.
I also am now noticing that not only are the lymph nodes under my arms and in my neck swollen and tender, but now the lymph nodes in my pelvis are doing the same thing. Crazy ME!
Furthermore, I’ve also been dealing with feelings of frustration on an emotional level. I really cannot wait to get furniture. Sitting in the same spot, day in and day out, day after day, is really starting to get to me.
I find myself getting sore, stiff and achy because I’m not able to lie or recline on different pieces of furniture – something I do to help alleviate the FMS symptoms and prevent the emotional blues from being housebound.
I was actually thinking about all of this and got to thinking that I kind of feel like the bop frog.
You know when you go to the fair and you play that frog game where you bop the frog on the head as it pops out of a hole?
Well, I kind feel like that frog. I keep poking my head out of the hole to see if I can now come up for a breath of fresh air and more energy only to be bopped on the head repeatedly and sent back into my hole!
I have to say my ability to have an abundance of patience this week is being thoroughly challenged!
Interestingly, all this ‘resting’ and ‘pacing’ has afforded me much time to think and ponder … well … about everything! LOL
I’ve been thinking about the accident last year because I have been having more problems than normal lately with the stuttering and balance issues which I have no doubt are directly related to the toxic chemical exposure.
As a result of this, I have decided to go ahead, relapsed or not, and have the brain scan done after I turn in my monthly column on the 15th of April. I just have this sense in my gut that I need to get that done and get it done before my eye appointment (whenever I can get to a place where I can handle that physically).
So I guess for now, and the immediate future, you could say I’m in a holding pattern. Can’t really move forward, and yet, don’t really want to stay here either.
On the good side, I at least don’t have to worry about cleaning my apartment anymore as my personal assistant is now coming in twice a week and taking care of that. I only do a quick 1 minute dusting (with a mop) of my concrete floors 1-2 times a week now.
And, my personal assistant is helping me with putting some ME/CFS ads in my local paper, plus photographic and writing projects, running errands, etc.
I recently had a friend who is a ME therapist and who has ME say to me that “I must get used to having this extra help and while I totally agree and appreciate the help, it saddens me that I need it.
So often I find myself melancholy because ME just seems to always be taking from me.
I tell you, if it were possible, I would put the name ME on those frogs and bop the heck out of them!
Fortunately, despite where I currently find myself, I know that this is just a season, a moment in time, and that I will move through it. I also keep reminding myself that with the dawning of a new day, anything is possible.