My doctor is currently in the process of finding me a specialist abroad. It is proving to be a slow process for now. I find it interesting that all of this has happened at this time on my journey of ill health. After a very tough year; one with multiple rainbows of emotions, I had come to a place where I was of the belief and had accepted that possibly I was influencing my ill health in some way... I was opening my arms to this idea. For me personally having an illness like ME/CFS––which has an association with 'psychological' components––has meant that I've always had a niggling question in the back of my head as to whether I was the cause of my illness. I'm sure a lot of you can associate with this. I was at a really good place of acceptance; with this I no longer felt the need to talk about my illness, trying to get people to understand how debilitating it can be. I was enjoying getting on with my life as much as possible, and thinking of it as little as possible.
So as I sit here in limbo, awaiting my journey into the world of Lyme treatment, I'm feeling kind of numb, I think... I'm finding it hard to believe it until I actually start treatment. I'm feeling very drained emotionally and mentally. I guess this is probably due to letting go. When you are fighting to be heard and believed for so long it takes a lot of energy. Now that I have breathed out a sigh of relief with the new diagnosis, I feel kind of emotionless about it all. I guess what I'm saying is I'm tired, very tired and I don't feel like I have much fighting spirit left in me. I'm very aware that I need to find the resources as the journey ahead is going to be equally as challenging, but in a different way.
I'm still in a place where I don't really want to think about being sick or spend any time talking about it. I think this is why I haven't been blogging much lately. I'm just don't really want to talk about being sick in anyway. I'm just speaking with honesty about how I'm feeling right now. As everything is impermanent––so will be this feeling, which isn't necessarily a bad thing, at all. It's just another part of the journey.
I guess really what I'm saying is that it kind of suits me for now that the process in starting treatment is moving slow. It gives me time to rebuild my fighting spirit for the next battle : )