Somebody asked me yesterday what I thought was the trigger for this depression. I'm not sure I actually know. There are some obvious candidates: too much change in a short space of time, unprocessed emotion, stress, being chronically ill. Maybe it's all of those things, although I get the feeling there is something I'm not acknowledging. The dinosaur in the room around which I am carefully treading in order not to wake it up. It will be something both very simple and very complex and will take some hours of talking therapy to tease it out.
My best guess is that I feel I have come up against a brick wall as far as my recovery from CFS goes. If I look into the future all I see is years of resting, pacing and watching birds out of the window. But all this suggests I have some control over how I feel. What if this depressive episode has a purely physical cause? The menopause may be a culprit, or perhaps some other endocrinal system has stopped working?
I heard of a doctor who attended a conference on depression. (I've looked for the reference but can't find it I'm afraid). He was asked 'why do you insist on somatizing it?' Meaning, why are you seeing it as a physical illness when we know it's all in the mind. His reply was 'why do you insist on psychologising it?'
My bodymind is protesting about something at the moment. It's gone on strike. I want to withdraw completely. Any question that requires a decision, however small, makes me angry and irrational. I'm erecting a glass wall around myself because I just can't cope with anything else, physically or mentally. If you tap on it, I will smile benignly and wave.
Can I respectfully ask you not to comment this time? I normally love to get comments but I just wanted to put something out there and let it sit today. And, Facebook friends, I'm keeping it light over there because I haven't broached this with family yet. Many, many thanks.