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Overcooking it.

Posted Dec 15 2010 12:00am
Hello fellow travellers, how's it going?

I need to stop and reflect for five minutes because I've stepped back onto the hamster wheel without really realising I've done it. I've been exhausted for the last three days and I don't want to admit that fact because I've been convincing myself I'm better.

In some ways I am better. Since I've been back on HRT my mobility has improved big style. I'm walking without a stick and staying on my feet for much longer. So far there has been no return of the muscle weakness which had me leaning over the shopping trolley or lurching to the nearest place to sit down - whether that was a wall, a bench or the pavement. 

I'm sleeping like I haven't slept in years, I mean since the birth of my daughter 24 years ago. I fall asleep in ten minutes and I wake up eight hours later in the same position. No getting up to pee, no hot flushes. It's like the sleep of my childhood and waking is like it used to be, with the desire to still be asleep and a slow climb into alertness, rather than being awake but foggy immediately. There's a difference between feeling sleepy and feeling foggy.

There is a trade off though. Since I'm doing more physically I'm aching more and my walking is limited by lower back pain. Today I'm strapped up to my TENS machine with horrible nerve pain in my shoulder. That's overuse of the computer. I did an online Tesco's shop yesterday and associated a delivery slot with the wrong 'basket'. I couldn't find a way of just renaming the basket or copying it all over, so I had to re-enter every single item. Also, I've been struggling to draw a diagram both in Word, and Powerpoint which is defeating me. So I've been tense and hunched for days. Add in a community event on Sunday, and the bloke coming to fix my computer and you get the picture.

Today I've got that hangover feeling. I used to go to work like this. So why can't I stop, knowing what I know about the perils of pushing through? Well, I feel under pressure, that's why. I've still got only half my income coming in while they process my claim for ESA. My car has gone, the buses are shite and I hate feeling this dependent. I'm trying to act normal because I want so much to be better. Some lemming-like part of me is very keen to jump back into the rat race, or lemming race, that probably made me ill in the first place. So what is that all about? Well, I answered my own question - I don't like feeling dependent, and I love life. I love living it, engaging with it, solving problems, getting involved, making things, and so on and so forth.

I understand I'm not alone in this, and it was Cusp's post this morning that set me thinking about it.
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