The snow has gone. The birds are overjoyed and have the luxury of sitting around in bushes preening themselves instead of scrabbling for food. My head cold finally went over the weekend. I was happy about that, the novelty of actually having a proper cold wore off very quickly and the familiar misery set in.
It was a weekend for AJ's son's visit and I made the mistake of accompanying them to a museum on Saturday morning. What hit me first as we walked in was the smell of chlorine. Some of the interactive exhibits are water-based and they use chlorine to keep them clean. And the noise. It's a big old engine shed with an echoey acoustic. Add excited kids and you get the picture.
After about five minutes of helping to keep little R focussed on an exhibit (he's still a bit young for it really) I thought I'd go and sit down in the cafe. A nice cup of tea came to mind, but it was only vending machines. I got a drink and sat down. There was a tv screen on the wall yacking away and two members of staff having a meeting at a nearby table. My brain just couldn't cope and I had to leave.
I waited outside in CFS exile for twenty minutes getting colder and colder, and more and more resentful. I walked around a bit, then sat in the car and finished my Gatorade that I'd got from the machine. By the time AJ and R came out I was a ball of self pitying, angry, misery - ME meltdown, it ain't pretty.
For the remainder of the day I kind of moved in and out of it until I broke down completely later in the day, had a good cry and a long sleep. Sunday was better, I'd moved out of that state of emotional confusion although I was fairly crashed.
I was more fatigued than I realised. I wasn't getting the physical symptoms because I'd been resting up with the cold. There was other stuff going on though, some extended family stress which got under my skin. It takes energy to maintain emotional boundaries and when you don't have much to start with it only takes a little nudge to start an avalanche.
Earlier in the week I'd foreseen the crash. I mentioned it to the doc because I was feeling so buzzy with the head cold and snow excitement. So even being aware doesn't really help. I'm powerless over my endocrine system and all the counselling in the world isn't going to change that. Here comes that word - BUGGERATION!