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More Tired Less Wired

Posted Mar 23 2010 12:00am
I had a few wonderful days last week.My cold lingered, but it wasn’t getting me down.I was sleeping long hours – usually 9 and sometimes 10 each night.Walking around with a smile on my face, I took care of things in the house, went to the gym several times, and made my pilgrimage to Columbus for an i.v. and an acupuncture treatment.I felt brave enough to try some DMPS in my i.v. once again.

It charged me up a little, but not enough to keep me from falling asleep, albeit later than normal.It was in the wee hours of the morning that I felt its effects:waking in a panic from a nightmare, drifting off again, waking later from another nightmare, repeating the experience one more time until I roused myself from bed, tired and stressed, wishing I knew this was the impact of mercury moving around and being released from my brain.

Two days later, determined to keep my resolve to do aerobic exercise daily and add 15 to 30 seconds each day, I schlepped over to the gym when I was still tired and pushed through my meager workout.A few hours later, CRASH!

Cold, tired, and wired, I got through the evening, but in the morning, chest and sinus congestion took over once again!O the folly of trying to keep resolutions with this illness!I let myself give into sloth and lethargy and chocolate.Mmmmmm...

As my mind began its downward spiral, I remembered another resolution I’d made last week: to surrender to the divine unfolding of my healing journey without attaching to the results.

This is the practice of yoga, as I understand it.

My understanding had been bolstered by some reading I was doing last week.In Secret of the Siddhas by Swami Muktananda, there is an interesting story (#212, p. 55) about Arjuna.He’s the valient hero of the Bhagavad Gita, the one to whom Lord Krishna (an incarnation of God in human form) reveals all the secrets of yoga.But in this story, Arjuna is without Krishna. First he travels to find him, only to learn that Krishna had been killed.Overcome by sorrow, he follows Krishna’s dying command to transport women, children, arms and wealth to another village.On the way, his caravan is stopped by a young robber, and he is incapable of preventing the robbery.

What humility!How easy Baba makes it seem to give up our pride of being the doer!

I could relate to Arjuna being weak, dizzy, and forgetful.I even found it consoling that he forgot!If Arjuna could, in a moment of crisis, forget everything about the presence of the Divine within, how could I not be gentle with myself when I forget?

For years I have received great strength from my yoga practice.Yet often, before I realize what I’m doing, I default to the old patterns.Then as I muddle around, I eventually realize that I can choose a different response.

The day before reading Muktananda’s text on Arjuna, I had been able to step back from the drama of my ever-changing symptoms and become the witness-observer.I saw that my own thoughts were my greatest torment.I was judging one symptom as bad and another as good, ignoring Krishna’s advice (in the Bhagavad Gita) that “Delusion arises from the duality of aversion and attraction.”My dualistic judgments had brought joy and hope on the one hand, anger and sadness on the other.When I remembered how I had found strength in the spiritual practice of yoga, I resolved to turn my conscious desires toward knowing God.I would make it a daily practice to surrender to the divine unfolding of my journey without attaching to the results.

Swami Chidvilasananda {Gurumayi} wrote in Remembrance:.

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