I'll be finished my third treatment in two days. I haven't been feeling as good the last couple of days. I've had bad sinus headaches, fatigue, depression. I'm ok though. I've also had a kind of anxiety feeling. I don't even know if that is what I should call it. I've had it before when on treatment. It's not psychological anxiety. It's more physiological. Like a giddy feeling in my stomach and chest area. Kinda like how you feel if you are really nervous, except I have know reason to feel that way and I am perfectly calm in my head. I'm sure some of you will know what I'm talking about. Maybe it's related to the adrenals?
Anyway, this led me to do a little research online and I came across an article that talked about Lyme Disease and panic. It doesn't relate to what I talk about above as it talks about the psychological aspects of the disease. I was reading a couple of paragraphs and I just thought "wow", that is exactly what I'm like. I have copied and pasted the parts that relate to me.
"many of these folks are sullen, irritable, and, feisty. At the smallest provocation, they can go on a verbal attack. At times, they lash out with a stream of unedited hostility which comes straight from their subconscious minds. They justify this at the time, but sometime later it may seem to them, as it seems to others, like an extraordinarily strange over-reaction.
There are many Lyme disease cognitive symptoms that cause rushes of panicky feelings. The most typical is what I call "Lyme urgency." This is a psychological feeling which is related to a need to drive oneself to attend to tasks, combined with a feeling of concern if one doesn't act on every task at the moment that one thinks about it. What results is less overt panic at the time and more chaos in the long run. The distraction that one experiences from this compulsion leads to unfinished tasks and then exhaustion as one works longer and later to fix the chaos from all the interruptions. This, in turn, connects the panic to depression in many people."Virginia Sherr, M.D. Lyme and Panic DiseaseThe Human Side of Lyme
I wasn't always like this. This has helped me focus on what I want to work on in my therapy sessions. I want to try and work on my confidence. In terms of knowing what is 'me' and what is the 'illness'. Having gone for so long undiagnosed I was constantly questioning myself, blaming myself for various things––"why are you so lazy? why can't you get it together? Am I going crazy? why do I act like this?"––constant lack of understanding and confusion. I need to believe in myself, be gentle on myself, have the confidence to know that it's the illness that is doing these things. I need to try and iron out what's me and what's not... Easier said than done. My therapist didn't know me before I got sick so she won't know how much I've changed. We need to try and figure this out together. My fiance also didn't know me before I got sick so he can't really help me on this one.
So that's what I'm going to try and do. Is it possible??