I'm still harping on about the same issue. That is because I still don't seem to be able to have found a happy medium. The walking/deconditioning issue that is. I want to rewind back a bit. A while back I was feeling pretty good energy wise. Then over the last few weeks I had treatments and flare ups which seemed to have stolen some of that luxurious energy. So I retreated to the safety of the only place where I can truly stop pushing, which is my bed. I don't sleep there at all during the day, but I usually watch shows or read. I also suffer with extreme cold, and my bed has an electric blanket, and a few duvet covers. I also need to use a hot water bottle. As I said, it is one of the only places where I am relatively comfortable.
So things started to stagnate as they do in that strange cyclic pattern that I live. Last week I found myself having a conversation with someone, and I was mentioning that things had started to slip, and most of my time at home is spent resting in bed. I explained that I seemed to have lost my get up and go... After I relayed all of this I felt quite unsettled for a few hours. Why? My inner critic. My harshest critic. This was the trigger that made me want to give myself a kick in the ass. Perhaps I was right to try and kick myself into action. Perhaps all those years of being judged(or feeling judged) crept in and made me feel uncomfortable, as if I was lazy?
This is just a perfect example of how I am still quite sensitive to how I am perceived with this illness. But at the same time I wonder is it healthy for me to have a certain amount of that? as it leads me to ask those all important questions about deconditioning. I don't know... All I know is my body is feeling some post exertional fatigue... I think my mind tricked my body a bit? Perhaps I need to just walk every second day? Perhaps it is just the treatment? What are you trying to tell me body??? I'm getting confused from all of this.
This all highlights the stop start, too much, too little, psychological battle one experiences when living with such an illness. Today is a fresh day, and I am not going for a walk. I need to rest. Tomorrow is another day, and we shall see. I shall continue to try and find this balance. I shall also continue to try and feed that dear soul of mine.