It’s Like Riding a Bike, Weaving a Web & Wrestling with an Anaconda!
Posted May 10 2013 12:00am
There I was, nice, cosy and warm; life untouched, confidence
galore. And then, there I was not – out on the periphery. Just like that.
Chronic fatigue, the hulking beast it is, came along with its giant hand and
removed me from my environment, much like a human removing a spider from the
house. Those giants, they’re hard to fight. And eventually, through the years I
got beaten down. Before, I had endless legs of hope. But then each one was
pulled out, one by one, one after the other.
Then I was alone, within my tiny little pocket––a mere dot
on the world––that was sewn closed. My confidence was stolen; that giant hand
ripped it out of my chest before finally casting me away. During this time I
often pondered what it would be like to get my life back. I have to admit,
these thoughts were always dipped in a bit of fear: Will I fit back into the
world? Will I have forgotten everything, especially how to work and achieve
things? Will I know how to interact with people again? Will I want to interact
with people again after learning that people can hurt you more than illness
Spiders’ legs grow back, so they do!
Getting back out there,
it’s like riding a bike! It ‘appears’ (one must always remain cautious :-) )
surprisingly easy to pick up where you left off. Once you start to feel
physically stronger, confidence comes back, like a freckle that wasn’t there
one minute and then it was. In many ways it is a little too easy, this
transition back to life… Yes, the old habits and patterns come back too. You
think your spirituality has continued to flourish through the stagnant years,
beefed-up, well able to manage any unruly behaviour. But the habits, the
idiosyncrasies, don’t let them fool you. Those sneaky snakes are only lying
dormant! They're like those obstinate infections that reactivate…
At present I find myself on a less turbulent road. There are
still bumps, potholes, inclines and declines. And I will continue to have falls
off this invisible bike, no doubt. But my confidence is back and I know I can
jump back on. The ongoing work will continue with the sneaky snakes though. “Don’t
push, don’t over-do it…” is the ongoing battle I find myself
still fighting. I’m back out in the world, senses ravenous, trying not to get
caught up in it all, trying to be responsible – conservative with my energy,
etc. Goddamn life… so full of temptations, so full of living. That hulking
beast CF still loathes such carry-on. It is waiting to strike at any time. I
know that. My bruised heart especially knows that. Don’t worry heart; I’ve got
The point in case is this: I’m improving. As this occurs
positivity is naturally orbiting my head (most of the time :-)
). And confidence is just something that follows. I’m trying to start up a bit
of freelance work from home – graphic design, writing. And I’m buzzing from it!
I haven’t forgotten any of the technical stuff I thought I might have. I feel
like I’m falling back in love with life. One of the best things, in my case, is
that I have learnt not to take everything so seriously. I just want to enjoy
everything I do. That’s what life is all about, right? Well, yes. But as I said
there is a matter of those sneaky snakes... The anaconda among mine: my
over-achiever personality. Being forced to lie in bed
for years, missing out on everything, feeling like I have some catching up to
do, only fuels this snake.
I’m trying to be good, using everything I have learnt from
the experience of the last few years. The main thing I find myself working on
in my hectic little mind is… that age-old equation - BALANCE. I think it is
something I’m going to struggle with for the rest of my life. That anaconda has
an insatiable appetite. Fact. This serpentine trait of mine is the hub of my
world. I’m delicately trying to weave a web around it. I’m getting there. It’s
complex. But I’m enjoying creating it. Most of all, I am trying my best to make
it last, so it doesn’t become a cobweb... Maybe someday it will be strong
enough to entangle and trap that giant hand.
Over and out people!
I hope you are all okay…
P.S. Speaking of balance. I guess my next post should really be an update of my ongoing treatment and my symptoms.