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I Choose Life Over Survival

Posted Dec 20 2009 12:00am 1 Comment
In several ways, I've finally come around, although I shot myself in the foot to begin with. I tend to start new treatments with no regard towards timing. Maybe it's the Napoleon complex saying I can tough out any protocol. A month ago, I was going through a depressive episode when my confederacy of dunces decided it might be a good time to start KPU simply because I was running empty on protocols. My friend Scott has gone through the ringer with just about every type of protocol known to chronics (and is doing quite well today), but said KPU was the hardest protocol he's ever done. Several other patients have had very similar things to say. I have to agree with Scott. Taking one Depyrrol Basis pill consisting of zinc, manganese, and b6 (seemingly harmless ingredients) at ultra-high doses does indeed have a clinical effect from Hell, possibly to the chagrin of those that claim supplements don't exercise an effect on physiology. Take one of these and don't call me when you're laid to waste for the next 3 months. The KPU protocol created massive metal and toxin dumping from replacing these deficient compounds, and going on a month straight of flu-like symptoms.

To prove my lack of regard for human life--in the short run, anyway-- I added the Sanpharma protocol 2 days later. Neither of these protocols, let alone the two together, are meant for those who decide whether to continue or stop treatment based on how they feel. You will absolutely feel worse, likely much worse. Ironically, the person that recommended the Sanpharma protocol to me couldn't even get through it himself.

I still have about 7 weeks of Sanpharma (11 total) and probably many months of KPU to go, but so far I haven't skipped a dose. Together these protocols have contributed to one of the worst depressive episodes of my life, but today, I can say they've been worth their weight in gold.

The treatment/life balance shifted in the last few days. Today, the idea of doing treatment feels like a chore. I actually feel like blogging vs. having to drag myself to the computer to keep my blog from dying a slow death. My CNS feels relatively clear, and there is an eagerness to read, work on business plans, and socialize. Mike always tells me you know you're getting better when you simply want to do more things. Not sure I'm quite there yet (ratio of bad to good days is nowhere near 1:1), but moments like these when my desires and bodily limitations inch closer together give me copious amounts of hope. I'm taking days like this as a welcome reminder that all my hellish treatment actually have a point--to give me options.

My old girlfriend said it best: I still want it all, and that's why I'll never accept this disease. Achilles heel or feather in my cap, I would rather idly watch my body completely break down than to stop chasing a life bursting with light.

As a symbolic gesture, this morning I casted aside "The Perks of Being a Wallflower" almost as fast as I picked it up, and started reading "Picture of Dorian Gray" because I can actually process something besides angsty high-school memoirs and am looking forward to being anything but a wallflower this holiday season. My cousins came over yesterday, and I spoke more than 2 sentences with one of them for the first time since high school. She's a recent immigrant from Taiwan, so the language barrier has been a serious cockblock to meaningful conversation with my mental deterioration. Last night I kicked the barrier and talked with her for over 3 hours, and I was floored by how humorous, self-aware, and insightful she is. We patients don't need to travel far to find unturned gems. Half my family won't be around for Christmas this year (Asians and Las Vegas have a bizarre affinity on 12/25), the remaining half doesn't want to celebrate, and I'm still excited about the holidays for the first time in years.

My new year's resolution? Stop thinking. Stop researching. Let the doctor fix me.
Comments (1)
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Hardship is part of life but if we are able to surpass this, then it would be a great relief. There are a lot of things to be grateful about life like if other people were able to acknowledge what we are doing without really aiming for it just what Matthew Morrison experience today. Glee has become a sensation, and the leading man, Matthew Morrison as teacher and glee club director and founder Will Schuester, is making a huge buzz for his first leading role on a prime time TV show.  He also got nominated for a Golden Globe, in the Best Actor category.  That's pretty good for the first time out, but to be fair, he worked his way up.  A few short years ago, all he was doing was Off Broadway productions, small roles on TV and in film, though he had a steady gig on a soap opera.  Another season or two, and he won't need a payday loan again.
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