I guess sometimes I do look sick. My health is spiraling downward. Today was extremely hard. I actually called a friend and asked for help which is something I don’t often do. My throat is so sore that I thought ice cream would help. Plus I’ve lost my appetite. The thought of eating is just too tiring.
All my lymph nodes are now painful (even the pelvis ones), I have serious ringing in my ears, fatigue is now at a nine level, the hyper-skin sensitivity is spreading, my palms are on fire like they’re burned, dizzy, balance problems, blurry vision, restless legs (that’s where my legs jump involuntarily) spiders (I’ll explain that one when I have more energy) and even breathing…
seems to be a lot work today. I’m also still not able to a talk above a whisper or I completely lose my voice.
A friend of mine, who reads my blog faithfully – actually it was her idea for me to write about my life so people could understand what it was like and for me to have a way to ‘process’ if you will – came by and was going to ask me to go swimming. The minute she stepped into my bedroom, I saw the gears change in her head. I tried to make myself look better but to no avail today.
Anyway, she immediately realized poor Dekker probably needed to go potty and took him out. He was quite happy when he came back! As she was heading out, my other friend came in with the ice cream and a spoon. She took a set of my apartment keys and left me with strict orders to call her if I need anything.
After wards, I decided to take a hot bath even though I knew it probably wasn’t the wisest thing to do but I needed some heat in my joints, back and muscles. Anyway, as I was soaking up the heat, I felt like I was going to cry. This crash feels like the crash that changed my life 20 years ago. I was telling God, I know I can do it again if I had to. I’ve already done it once so I know I can come back. The thing is, I don’t want to. I just don’t want to. A few minutes later I heard this quiet voice saying to me,
You are not alone. I am here with you as I always have been.
On days like today, I would be lost without God. I don’t think I could take another step forward if I didn’t know that I know, that I know, that He was here with me with every step I take.
I then thought about how blessed I am to have the friends I have as well. So many stories that I read talk about doing this journey alone. I am so thankful that I don’t have to do that.
In addition, I’m also thankful that I can come here and reach out to you and offer you encouragement. I know that when I step beyond my pain and help someone else, I gain more in return than I gave away. Thank you for allowing me that opportunity.
Thank you also for being such loyal and faithful followers of my blog. Each and every one of you who comment, encourage me, inspire me and enable me. For those of you who read my blog and don’t comment, thank you as well. I know you’re there because I can feel that wall of protection around me every time I come to my 4Walls and A View.
I’m also so thankful that my friend talked me into starting this blog. It has helped me to tap into a passion that has been lying dormant for years. So long in fact, that I no longer recognized it. Thankfully I now understand what Charlotte Bronte once said,
I write because I cannot not write.
Although, I am heading into another crash – one that looks to be severe – I know that I am not alone in my corner of this world. I have you, my friends, my faith and my God. I would say that I am definitely blessed going in and coming out.