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How Did I Get Here?

Posted May 07 2009 8:18pm
Most of the time, I accept this strange new world I live in. I may not like it, but I've come to a point where I understand my limitations, and I've become accustomed to the routines and restrictions of my new life. I don't think twice about saying no to things that are beyond my level of stamina or taking a daily nap or even constantly assessing how I feel in order to know what I can and can't do. But every once in awhile, the bizarre reality of life with CFS hits me suddenly. I had a moment like that this week.

I was reading a magazine filled with articles on fitness and exercise (I know, I know - why torture myself? I am always browsing magazines looking for new markets for my writing). Anyway, I'm looking at all these tips on health and exercise when the absurdity of my current life just hit me like a slap in the face.

How did I get here? How did I go from a very active, highly energetic and fit woman to my current state lying here on the couch, aching all over? It's crazy, isn't it? Absolutely senseless. There's simply no way to explain it in logical terms, despite all my research and reading on the physiology of CFS. It defies rational explanation.

I actually felt great yesterday - really great! Craig went back to school after two days home sick (was it only 2 days?), and I actually went shopping. I've been trying to go to Kohl's to return some things for over 6 months. How sad is that? Six months. I was so excited to go to Kohl's! I felt good all day, but I did way too much. I find it so hard to not overdo on those rare good days.

So, today, I'm back on the couch, aching and worn out and having to ditch all my plans for the day. What a strange way to live.
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