As I mentioned in the previous rant post, I had encountered a racist in the waiting room. Her subtle yet very clear attitude made me feel I was filthy and inappropriate. Usually the realisation of event and development of emotional reaction would sink in later. Although I couldn’t really understood what happened, I was clearly disturbed.
Dr TL noted I looked very exhausted in the waiting room, but I look better in his office.
Since he didn’t know what I just encountered, he may have thought my depression was still really bad. With the shattered self-esteem, I hardly look at his face…
I am feeling really bad about it as he was putting extra efforts to cheer me up. He told me several times he is watching me. He might have worried that I would do something stupid, such as giving up…
I believe he must have had tough life for himself. His advice and encouragements are coming from his heart. He is not just saying it because it is the right thing to say for the occasion.
I used to love the song “Every Breath You Take” by The Police. I could listen to it over and over.
When my ex stalked (?) in my own house, I realised it is the song about stalking, not about love. The ex was watching me for opportunity or pondering on the method how to finish me off so that he could get rid of the giant garbage from his life.
From that moment, my favourite song turned into creepy disgusting song… Whenever I hear news about stalking or someone mentions watching someone, this song popped into my head. I couldn’t bring myself to listening to it anymore.
When Dr TL told me he is watching me, I didn’t feel creepiness at all. It rather comforted me and cheered me… It is because he is watching me as if he is my Guardian Angel.
A podiatrist/Reiki Master/medium who is originally from Ukraine once told me he could see a guardian angel over my left shoulder. But what he saw was not the typical angel with white wings. He saw Nio. He is a scary and angry looking monster. Tow Nio work together as a pair. One keeps evil spirits away, and the other makes you keep good spirit inside. At first, I couldn’t appreciate the thought of angry face hanging over my shoulder.
They followed Buddha’s enlightenment journey and protected him. Nowadays, they are protecting sacred places like temples. Since they work as a pair, I’m guessing there is another Nio over my right shoulder. I kinda believe they are protecting me from dangers and crimes, and helping me to stick with my moral standard even when I’m going through tough time.
I now feel I have another guardian angel who is watching over my heart, my health and my life.
The performance of PFM wasn’t good. I mentioned I was having air hunger in the morning and it might have something to do with it. It’s very tricky for me to identify air hunger and tight chest from one another. The differentiating factor for me is the presence of suffocating feeling, although it is very subtle sometimes.
He believes it is a sensory response to heat stress. We had a warm morning and he had other patient with air hunger complain. To me, it is the sensation that I am not getting enough oxygen. When it gets really bad, I have to gasp for the air as if I’m drowning. It is not really I’m not breathing. He tried to explain it is not breathing problem.
We had a bit confusing conversation. So, I asked if it was my imagination. He strongly denied and said it is real. I don’t mind if it is just in my head as long as it is the truth. Knowledge helps with coping better when it happens. Probably with my depression and with the reputation that people with ME/CFS often get, he was extra sensitive about my question. I wonder if it is something to do with Autonomic Nervous System. Could it be what he was trying to explain? His suggestion when it happens was to go to cool place or open fridge door when it happens. Sometimes I’m half paralysed when it happens, so I cannot walk to the fridge. I would just switch on my portable air conditioner. 
We discussed about exercises. Since I had really bad flare up, I’m still having break from it. I’m willing to start it again as soon as I feel confident that I have enough energy reserve. When I’m struggling, energy reserve gets critically low. On top of that, I feel everything I need to do require more energy than usual; that is including body system maintenance such as breathing, digestion, blood circulation, and so on…
He asked how I feel when I start exercising after the break. It really depends on how long break I had and how unwell I have been. Usually, it is a bit of struggle when I start exercises again. Muscles get fatigued easily and I’m out of breath. Often my balance is dodgy. When the break is short and my flare up hasn’t been too bad, I can easily get back into it.
We are talking about exercises that are gentle and easy muscle training that I can complete within 5 minutes… It is nothing like walking or jogging.
He also asked how often I go under the sun. At the moment…, I don’t. Then, my excuses followed… I’ve been in really bad flare up. Mysterious flare up had been going on prior to the last week’s shocking one. Sun also makes me exhausted and I really needed to conserve my energy to get everyday essential things done…
The cheeky doctor didn’t get upset, but came up with strange and interesting ideas how I could still have sun on my skin… They made me feel that just going out in the sun and sitting there for 5 minutes is much easier…
He was concerned about the long-lasting flare up and weight loss. He checked the last blood test results and mentioned about the low or borderline results. I’m taking supplement for Thiamine deficiency and having injection for B12 deficiency. I need to go under the sun for Vitamin D deficiency… I’m taking Vitamin D supplement that my friend gave me for birthday. I know he believes sun is more effective than supplement.
He decided to do another blood test as follow-up and to make sure there is nothing else going on.
He told me again that he is watching me. By then, I had slowly gained my self-esteem back. I joked that I’m behaving so that he couldn’t find anything naughty about me. He was happy to hear that. I’m always behaving. Or, I don’t have a chance to misbehave.
When I got home, I listened to “Every Breath You Take” for the first time in very long time. The creepiness I felt in the song had disappeared. I listened to the song as an expression of intense love.
Probably, it was the moment when something in my past has healed.
And my depression is lifting slowly, but surely.
Posted in Depression, Doctors, Domestic Violence, ME/CFS
As I mentioned in the previous rant post, I had encountered a racist in the waiting room. Her subtle yet very clear attitude made me feel I was filthy and inappropriate. Usually the realisation of event and development of emotional reaction would sink in later. Although I couldn’t really understood what happened, I was clearly disturbed.
Dr TL noted I looked very exhausted in the waiting room, but I look better in his office.
Since he didn’t know what I just encountered, he may have thought my depression was still really bad. With the shattered self-esteem, I hardly look at his face…
I am feeling really bad about it as he was putting extra efforts to cheer me up. He told me several times he is watching me. He might have worried that I would do something stupid, such as giving up…
I believe he must have had tough life for himself. His advice and encouragements are coming from his heart. He is not just saying it because it is the right thing to say for the occasion.
I used to love the song “Every Breath You Take” by The Police. I could listen to it over and over.
When my ex stalked (?) in my own house, I realised it is the song about stalking, not about love. The ex was watching me for opportunity or pondering on the method how to finish me off so that he could get rid of the giant garbage from his life.
From that moment, my favourite song turned into creepy disgusting song… Whenever I hear news about stalking or someone mentions watching someone, this song popped into my head. I couldn’t bring myself to listening to it anymore.
When Dr TL told me he is watching me, I didn’t feel creepiness at all. It rather comforted me and cheered me… It is because he is watching me as if he is my Guardian Angel.
A podiatrist/Reiki Master/medium who is originally from Ukraine once told me he could see a guardian angel over my left shoulder. But what he saw was not the typical angel with white wings. He saw Nio. He is a scary and angry looking monster. Tow Nio work together as a pair. One keeps evil spirits away, and the other makes you keep good spirit inside. At first, I couldn’t appreciate the thought of angry face hanging over my shoulder.
They followed Buddha’s enlightenment journey and protected him. Nowadays, they are protecting sacred places like temples. Since they work as a pair, I’m guessing there is another Nio over my right shoulder. I kinda believe they are protecting me from dangers and crimes, and helping me to stick with my moral standard even when I’m going through tough time.
I now feel I have another guardian angel who is watching over my heart, my health and my life.
The performance of PFM wasn’t good. I mentioned I was having air hunger in the morning and it might have something to do with it. It’s very tricky for me to identify air hunger and tight chest from one another. The differentiating factor for me is the presence of suffocating feeling, although it is very subtle sometimes.
He believes it is a sensory response to heat stress. We had a warm morning and he had other patient with air hunger complain. To me, it is the sensation that I am not getting enough oxygen. When it gets really bad, I have to gasp for the air as if I’m drowning. It is not really I’m not breathing. He tried to explain it is not breathing problem.
We had a bit confusing conversation. So, I asked if it was my imagination. He strongly denied and said it is real. I don’t mind if it is just in my head as long as it is the truth. Knowledge helps with coping better when it happens. Probably with my depression and with the reputation that people with ME/CFS often get, he was extra sensitive about my question. I wonder if it is something to do with Autonomic Nervous System. Could it be what he was trying to explain? His suggestion when it happens was to go to cool place or open fridge door when it happens. Sometimes I’m half paralysed when it happens, so I cannot walk to the fridge. I would just switch on my portable air conditioner.
We discussed about exercises. Since I had really bad flare up, I’m still having break from it. I’m willing to start it again as soon as I feel confident that I have enough energy reserve. When I’m struggling, energy reserve gets critically low. On top of that, I feel everything I need to do require more energy than usual; that is including body system maintenance such as breathing, digestion, blood circulation, and so on…
He asked how I feel when I start exercising after the break. It really depends on how long break I had and how unwell I have been. Usually, it is a bit of struggle when I start exercises again. Muscles get fatigued easily and I’m out of breath. Often my balance is dodgy. When the break is short and my flare up hasn’t been too bad, I can easily get back into it.
We are talking about exercises that are gentle and easy muscle training that I can complete within 5 minutes… It is nothing like walking or jogging.
He also asked how often I go under the sun. At the moment…, I don’t. Then, my excuses followed… I’ve been in really bad flare up. Mysterious flare up had been going on prior to the last week’s shocking one. Sun also makes me exhausted and I really needed to conserve my energy to get everyday essential things done…
The cheeky doctor didn’t get upset, but came up with strange and interesting ideas how I could still have sun on my skin… They made me feel that just going out in the sun and sitting there for 5 minutes is much easier…
He was concerned about the long-lasting flare up and weight loss. He checked the last blood test results and mentioned about the low or borderline results. I’m taking supplement for Thiamine deficiency and having injection for B12 deficiency. I need to go under the sun for Vitamin D deficiency… I’m taking Vitamin D supplement that my friend gave me for birthday. I know he believes sun is more effective than supplement.
He decided to do another blood test as follow-up and to make sure there is nothing else going on.
He told me again that he is watching me. By then, I had slowly gained my self-esteem back. I joked that I’m behaving so that he couldn’t find anything naughty about me. He was happy to hear that. I’m always behaving. Or, I don’t have a chance to misbehave.
When I got home, I listened to “Every Breath You Take” for the first time in very long time. The creepiness I felt in the song had disappeared. I listened to the song as an expression of intense love.
Probably, it was the moment when something in my past has healed.
And my depression is lifting slowly, but surely.
Posted in Depression, Doctors, Domestic Violence, ME/CFS