Last week saw my health begin to go up hill once more. I've been trying to get my head around all of this lack of ground in my life. This once again has had me thinking a lot about ‘ground’ and what that is or means to me?? The wiser part of me knows that 'life' essentially is groundless in nature. The thing is that for centuries we have been working at cementing a ground under ourselves –– to make us feel safer in this groundless world. I've touched on this before. I guess this is the problem that I find myself constantly trying to solve whilst living with this illness.
By groundless I mean that we live in an unpredictable world, one filled with uncertainty. Yet, we are born into a world that teaches us to find a ground for ourselves through structure (school, work, identity, etc). Building a structure on an unstable ground... Hmmm... What a strange thing to do? It's the BIG control issue. The great escape from reality. We like to develop different forms of escapism. We like to try and control things that are basically out of our control. Control our destinies??
This is where I see a lot of positives being born out of this illness. Learning that the control thingy is really just an illusion that we have dropped ourselves into. Or onto should I say; a ground built from illusion! The very nature of this illness is that it is constantly changing– Like the weather. Maybe that's not the best analogy... I'm thinking of the Irish weather, as it is very unpredictable, very changeable and unreliable. Anyway, you know what I mean. We are not in control, our illness is. So I've been trying to embrace this whole issue of not being in control. Living in the moment, not knowing what the next week, hour is going to bring. If I try to live life like this then hopefully I will be able to cope with life in general better; after all we never know what the future holds anyway, even the healthy people. Life is in control of us. So this illness has taught me about the realities of life, its unpredictability and it's groundlessness. And most importantly I’m aware of the illusions we create. Nothing is permanent with ME/CFS. I’m being forced to life with my eyes wide open.
So I have managed to grasp this one and have been aware of all of this for some time now. Life is essentially groundless and I'm living with an illness that doesn't allow me to build a ground of illusion. Great! Life is going to be a breeze, everything is in sync now, right??? No... I've figured out the A and the Z of this problem, but I'm still missing all the letters in between! Being aware of this really helps me when I am really not well. But years of working away at building 'my' structure means that as soon as I am starting to feel well I'm off.... Hi ho, hi ho, la la lala la la... Building away like everyone around me–perfectly conditioned! By this I mean, wanting to achieve something like my course for example. Be part of life like everyone else. Participating… Not feeling left out.
It would appear that I can’t escape this ‘ground thingy’. I like to participate in life and do all the things that everyone else does. So basically I freak out if I don’t have ground under me, structure of some kind.
So where does this leave me and my faithful friend ground?
I can’t live with and I can’t live without!!
Wowser. I'm wrecked after that. Wish I could have been a bit more coherent.