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Feeling Slightly Better

Posted Oct 05 2011 12:38pm

I’m feeling slightly better…

I’m saying it with caution because I don’t want to jinx it. *keeping fingers crossed*

I’m still in the bad payback or PEN-E. Although I’m starting to improve, a little extra-and-unavoidable exertion pushes me back to very unwell again…

My first attempt of exercise with heart rate monitor failed miserably. My heart rate is not normal and about 3 minutes of creative way of raising it didn’t work, but left me with the payback.

The idea of “carefully designed exercise would rehabilitate my condition” was scary. “Getting better” means I would lose support from Dr TL and I would have to start over everything alone without having his support.  I forced myself to get anticipate in the life I’m better. It would be hard for a while, but it would make it possible to meet new people and socialise. And I hope some of them would be intelligent and compassionate like Dr TL. It would be nice to work again and earn reasonable income to live comfortably, instead of depending on the poverty line pension just for survival.

I first purchased the wrong kind of Heart Rate Monitor. I hate buying things online. I’d love to see and touch the item before I purchase. Online shopping is good when I know exactly what I need. Most of the time, it involves lots of guess work and I end up with the items I guessed wrong. It’s such a waste of money and efforts, not to mention the disappointment.

Anyway, I got the right kind of Heart Rate Monitor at the second try. The other problem with online shopping is that I have to wait for the item to arrive. It tests my patience and challenges to keep the motivation going…

Then, the first attempt failed miserably. I completely lost the slightly accumulated energy reserve, which was an improvement with increased dose of CoQ 10. My heart seem struggling as the result of the attempt. My pulse shoot up with the very slow short walk. Ironically, it goes much faster than the exercise I attempted… It shuttered my positive attitude in pieces. At least, Dr TL is in agreement with me that my body is not ready for that kind of exercise. The depressing part was that it wasn’t even a proper exercise and didn’t last for 5 minutes…

I don’t want to give up the hope yet, but clearly it is the time to wait now. And “waiting” is also frustrating. When I recover from this payback and my energy reserve improves a little, I would try the muscle rehabilitation exercise I was managing to do last year and check how my heart rate is doing.

The physical struggle triggered problem with mood. Dr TL tried to cheer me up. But my depressed mind felt that he was way over-estimating my physical ability and made me feel I became invisible to him. I know it very well that he cares about me and it is his sincere way of cheering. Sadly, my mood was too low to deal with such positiveness… Sometimes, all I need is hugs and/or comforting touch of human being. The reality that I cannot have the comforting human touch made my mood to plunge deeper. I know I shouldn’t think about the things I cannot have. It would only depresses me more. My excuse is Maslow’s human needs .

I cried and I got teary often. I consciously stopped my thoughts from going into questioning my existence. I wasn’t coping with loneliness as the result of sickness… If I could do something about this situation, or if there is something I could look forward to, it could be a little less hard to cope…

The last appointment was nice. Weather was warm. Basil came for the short drive and waited for me in my car. A friendly patient told me stories of his adventures when he was younger.

Dr TL was delighted to see me smile. It made me smile even more. My mood wasn’t well enough, but I was able to forget about it. We talked about brain. He knows it is one of my favourite subjects. And we had serious conversations about memories, childhood difficulty and its effects in adult life, human behaviour and traits, and so on. He was making sure I wasn’t being haunted by my past. He was behind his schedule, but he didn’t hurry me out of his office. He listened to the things I needed to say. I didn’t realise until the end of the meeting that he needed to leave earlier.

I’m very grateful for Dr TL’s care and our regular meetings. I don’t want to think how I would be if I didn’t have his support and care.

Today, I can say that I’m still hanging in there. It is a good sign that my mood is starting to improve.

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