Feeling Lonely

Obviously, this is going to be a rant. So please don’t read if you don’t want to hear. I would like to blame this on the recent full moon as it might cause people to be emotional. And please don’t worry about me as I usually feel better when I let feelings out from my system.

I’m feeling down. I guess I’m feeling very lonely at the moment. I’ve been trying to ignore it, but whole world is advertising for Valentine’s Day. I don’t want to admit it, but I know it is exaggerating my loneliness. Whole world is manipulated to love someone or to celebrate love.

I have good online friends and lovely company of two dogs. Theoretically, I shouldn’t be feeling lonely. Therefore, my conclusion is the lack of intimacy that is making me feel lonely.

I’m not saying sex is the answer to the problem. But I would like to have cuddles, kisses, holding hands, touching from someone special. Sharing life with someone would make me feel stronger in spirit. It would make happiness twice more special and would make hardship a half struggle. Not having someone special in life, and not having any prospect of having a boyfriend; my life is very depressing as far as intimacy goes. I’m not desperate. But I just cannot shake off the overwhelming feeling of loneliness.

And relationship is not something I can have by positive thinking or working hard…

Regardless of sick or healthy, meeting someone is not easy. It is more like “it happens”, rather than plan it and working towards it. For sick and disabled, it is harder than healthy people. Because we cannot go out as we wish, therefore, there is much less opportunity meeting people. And even if we get really desperate, online match making wouldn’t give us any solution. Even if we meet someone, it would be a challenge to socialise. And it would be even more challenge to have the prospective partner understood the life with chronic illness, disability and limitations come with it. This makes us much less desirable… It is hard enough for the established couple with love and care to face the challenges with chronic illness. How much chance is there for a sick and disabled to engage in a new relationship?

I do not dream about Prince Charming on white horse and happy ever after ending. However, I have to have faith that another miracle will happen to me. Then, I wonder what different are there between Prince Charming and the miracle…

“Love is enough!” My neighbour friend said to me. I would like to believe it. But I cannot ignore the reality. All I could tell her was that I would believe it when it happens to me.

“Don’t say it will never happen.” An old gentleman interrupted the chat between receptionist at Medical Centre and me. He recently moved here due to the flood in northern Queensland. He didn’t have a place to stay, so he was sleeping on the street. Then a lady chatted with him and ended up taking him as her house mate. She was happy because he helps with expenses. But the best of all was to have the special friend and to share life with someone. I thanked him for sharing his story as I knew he wanted to cheer me up. It is a typical logic that “it happened to me, so it will happen to you.”

“Don’t say it will never happen.” He said it again seriously. Then he added, “Keep smiling.” It was bit odd hearing from him as he didn’t smile at all. He probably thought I was just another whinger.

I regard his story as miracle. That is something I’ve been waiting for. It might happen next week. But it seems like I will be waiting it for the rest of my life… And that is just very long time to be lonely…

I hope you know I’m a positive person. But this is the situation being positive does not work… There is nothing I can do about it.

I regard my life as lucky. It could have been much worse. I’m a happy person. I cannot help it when the loneliness attacks me. And feeling lonely is one of the most horrible emotions I would have.