I am well – perhaps steering close to hyper - today. I have been a lot better for over a week with only a piece of the weekend finding me feeling particularly ‘CFS-y’. I watch myself now swiftly dissociate from the illness. I am acting exactly as I said in my first entry
My head remains foggy and the muscles are heavier than they used to be, but I feel sharper and excited to engage with people. I am contentedly tapping away at my computer. I have been working today on a work project and went to work at a Charity Call Centre last night to earn some extra cash. I am also making study plans and mapping out a yoga course to teach in the future. I am thinking of all the things I can do with this brain that's polishing off its rust and grime. There is a rising but - as of yet - targetless anger saying ‘which bastard kept me down’? Sigh. It’s a long way to Nirvana.
'CFIDS Sophie' wrote:
"Inevitably, very soon after the outburst, I am forced to remember with a crash just what CFS is and I lie here with the consequences of having been reckless enough to have behaved like…a normal person.: "
Sophie today thinks inevitable is an irresponsible and defeatist word. Will I be proved wrong? The evidence is stacked against me. I suppose this is human nature. We always forget and it helps us get on with the show, but it also reduces our empathy. I am doing a six week online CFIDS course (http://www.cfidsselfhelp.org/online-courses) with some fabulous people but hearing their stories and even reading mine from a few weeks ago, I don’t feel like I understand so well, already.
I can see here, in theory, that I am a clear push-crash cycler. So, this is my new test of pacing myself while I feel well. It is also a test to understand how my body and mind are linked. When my symptoms are much worse, I am forced to remember. When I am able to hush my body because it gets my mind where it wants to go it takes discipline to listen to it and respect it. That discipline is fueled by a conscious effort to understand beyond the narrow periphery of my ego and this blog is already helping out with that.
I am choosing today to practice a lesson in intervention. I am intervening in a clear cycle and proving inevitability wrong: I am off to meditate the manic away.