(In case you are worried, this is NOT a suicide note.)
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I am falling into depression. I’m mentally too tired to fight it.
Physically, I’m still struggling and there is no sign of relief from the flare up. This is the reason why I’m losing hope.
There is nothing happening in my life.
There is no sign of change in the future.
I’m losing my patience.
If I was healthy and able-bodied, I would set up a new goal or find something to change my life for better. I’ve done this so many times, and I would have no problem with the challenges. Without ability, resource, and support, this is not happening.
I’m sick of struggling. I’m sick of being sick and disabled. I don’t see the point of trying anymore.
I’m sick of being isolated. I learnt it is much much harder to find a friend with my condition. I’m getting a sign from the universe that I should stop trying. People whom I could get alone are working hard, raising family, and pursuing their career. They have no time for me. They are not interested in me.
I’m not designed to live in isolation. I’m a social person. And it is really hard when I cannot have a hug when I need it the most.
I don’t deserve this. I really don’t deserve this.
Why can’t this universe finish me off, so that I can be free from misery, isolation and struggle? What is the point of me having life? It seems like a huge waste.