I don’t have Dysautonomia diagnosis. Please allow me to use the term here because I cannot think of any other way to describe it.
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Why do I cry when Dysautonomia crash happens?
I never questioned it. I thought it was a normal reaction. Anybody would get upset when they become sick at the most inconvenient timing and place and lose control over own body. Am I wrong?
The emotions I identify when I have Dysautonomia crash are;
Disgust of being vulnerable
Anger…? I may have it when I talk about it. But it is not there when I’m having the crash.
Loneliness is easy to explain. Despite I’m surrounded by people, nobody knows I’m in trouble and nobody understands how I’m feeling. It makes me feel I’m all alone in this world.
Disgust of being vulnerable. I hope you can understand this without too much of explanation. When I have the crash, I cannot protect myself. I’m paralysed and I’m fainting. People can see my most vulnerable moment, which I strongly wish to hide.
During the discussion with Dr TL, I realised I may need to go back to my childhood to analyse my feelings during the crash.
When the crash first happened, I was confused. I realised I didn’t cry when it happened first time. I didn’t know what was happening to me. I wasn’t scared by symptoms. However, I was scared of punishment (by teachers and parents) for not being able to do what I was supposed to, which was to keep standing in the line. Very simple task.
Even now, the fear I feel is not from symptoms. I get upset by them, but I don’t feel I was going to die from them. I fear that I become public nuisance by the crash.
When the crash happened again, tears started coming. I couldn’t identify the emotion behind tears then. Obviously, it is not simple.
I realised that the Dysautonomia crash makes me feel I failed again against my mighty will. It also comes with frustration of not being able to control my own body and symptoms.
And I feel extremely humiliated to admit I am a failure.
When I acknowledged how I feel about myself with the crash, tears gush out. I know very well that it is not my fault that I am ill. Yet, these negative self-images find their own way to infest without me knowing.
It is amazing to see how right Dr TL was to focus on my tears and emotions.