The payback from last Monday’s excitement hit me really hard. I knew this was going to happen as the excitement took very long to wear off. When wire-in-blood feeling wore off, it was long after the day ended. I cannot say this for sure, but I feel it was an adrenaline energy kept pumping up and my body just couldn’t stop producing the adrenaline hormone. It was just destroying my energy reserve for nothing. Ironically, it wasn’t a kind of energy that I could get up and get lots of physical tasks done, either.
When this happens, my sleep becomes an extra challenge. I couldn’t sleep Monday night. And I knew this was going to be the case.
There was an inconvenient circumstance with the unplanned payback. I had booked mobile mechanic to service my car on Tuesday afternoon at my place. Usually, my body and brain don’t function in the morning or within a few hours of waking up. Whenever I make an appointment, it has to be at late afternoon… If I knew the payback was going to happen, I would have booked the service in the morning, so that I could sleep in the afternoon to minimise payback’s ill effect.
I stayed awake through Tuesday. I had the moment that I really needed to fell asleep during the morning, but I mustered will power to stay awake. If I sleep that time, my body would be paralysed when the mechanic arrives… Not a good move to make. Unfortunately, the mechanic rang me in the afternoon and requested to reschedule the service on the following day. Okay…, I guess I could hang around for another day…
Now I realised that I should have rescheduled it a couple weeks later and I should have slept when I could. But at that time, my mind was saying it had to be done now as the car engine had been acting very funny. Since I knew that the big payback was waiting to pounce on me, and since I had an appointments and errands that needed to be run, I felt I would lose the opportunity to save my car if I don’t let the service done NOW.
Since I missed the time “I could sleep” during Tuesday daytime, I couldn’t sleep during the night. I probably slept a couple of hours really badly. My mind was also in alert that I needed to be not only awake when mechanic arrives on Wednesday, but also my body and brain needs to be in functioning condition. This means, no sleep for another day…
On Wednesday afternoon, my car was serviced satisfactory. Since the fuel injection needed to be cleaned, it costed me more. This needed to be done no matter what. I cannot survive without working car as I cannot get anywhere with my own feet… The assurance of my car is in good condition made me feel much easier. At least, the fuel injection system doesn’t need to be cleaned for a very long time now. (I’m not going to whinge about my very tight financial situation.) I was glad that it was done now. On the other hand, I continued unable to sleep during the night.
The combination of excitement on Monday and failure of preventing the payback from becoming very severe fast forwarded my ever shifting sleep cycle and reversed day/night instantly.
On Thursday morning, I could finally sleep for a while. But the quality of sleep was really bad. I was not sure if I was half awake or having very vivid dreams. I kept awake during the sleep from street noise/neighbours dogs/birds chirping, and I wasn’t sure if I was sleeping or trying to rest. My body was paralysed from the effect of sleep or from the extreme fatigue. I heard someone came to the door, but I couldn’t respond of course. I was just lying in the dark bed room being half conscious and fully trapped in own zombie body with pains, muscles problems, breathing difficulties, extremely heavy fatigue and bits and pieces of little symptoms. It was the beginning of the payback.
During the night, I was wide awake, but couldn’t move my body. My body was still suffering badly.
Yesterday (Monday), I finally started feeling that my body saved up little energy reserve. The energy reserve wasn’t much and it got empty again just walking to the letterbox with snail speed and efforts.
(And I was hoping to drive to the Shopping Plaza and run the errands at Post Office, Chemist and Supermarket… It wasn’t going to happen.)
I am continuing staying awake now. I’m hoping that I could drive to the Shopping Plaza in the morning before my current sleep time comes (Probably around midday). If I don’t sleep, I still have some energy and will power to get things done. Since I’ve already postponed these errands longer than I was going to allow, it is getting rather desperate.
My educated mind is telling me that I am not able to go anywhere today. And it means I need to go without some medicine until I recover from the next payback from the Neurologist’s appointment. There is a registered mail waiting at the Post Office for quite a while and there is another parcel to be picked up. I need to get some food from Supermarket, and conveniently, the online shop stopped supplying bread.
My educated mind knows that it will be another week before I could actually run these errands… *sigh* I am working on my will power. I still have another few hours to make myself believe I could do all these today.
I am hoping that I could go out and fall asleep after the errands, so that I would be able to wake up around midnight. It will give me enough time to warm up my body and brain, and can be ready to be picked up by an Ambulance for the Neurologist appointment tomorrow morning.
After the Neurologist’s appointment, I will have another payback.
I want to have Pap smear done before my next appointment with Dr TL on Monday, but it is looking like not going to happen at the moment… In the mean time, I am still bleeding. So this needs to be done sooner than later.
I am overwhelmed by the tasks I need to attend sooner than later. It is making me feel my life is in chaos. When I was an able person, these errands could be done within a day, and I would still be feeling completely fine… These days, I need to make a careful plan for each single task including couple of days of preparation rest and down time with payback… Even with the planning, sometimes things needed to be postponed due to unexpected flare ups. And things I do these days are just basic essential tasks for everyday life. Yet, I need to put so much efforts, planning and anxiety to get them done one way or other… If you didn’t know already, my life sucks. Usually, I go with the flow and try not to worry if I cannot get it done as I planned. When a task doesn’t get done, it is still not the end of the world.
The feel of extra stress could be a part of the payback… This really bad and unplanned payback happened at the most inconvenient timing for me. I’m still glad that I had good time with my neighbour friends and all other exciting things on Monday. I am glad to know that my car is in good condition now.
I am trying not to stress myself out as it is not going to make anything easier. I do my best and things are just out of my control. So be it. Life goes on and nothing is the end of the world. Take little at a time, and this chaos shall pass as well.
Working on my sleep needs to wait at the moment. I was taking the antihistamine my doctor suggested, and I can tell it worked for the first couple of days. After that, it started taking longer and longer to fall asleep. It didn’t stop day/night reversal. Before I finally decide that the antihistamine doesn’t help my sleep, I will give it another try when I start feeling my life is in less chaos…
It would be nice to have normal and regular sleep. It would be nice if I feel okay and function when I wake up. I just keep dreaming of normal sleeping.
Your dreams of normal sleep is your desire to have it. However, just reading your blog entry, I see the chaos in your head, mind racing about what needs to be done. You need to slow down, take a meditation class to discipline the mind to relax when its time to rest the body.