In the last few days I've woken up to the fact I'm quite badly depressed. I was blessed with a moment of insight which I can't actually remember now, but it clicked in enough to crack the denial. It's quite a relief for a couple of reasons: I thought my CFS was worsening to a new level of incapacity which it's not, and depression is treatable.
I suffer with depression and anxiety, always have done and always will, but usually I manage it pretty well. I haven't had a bad episode for two or three years (well not to my thinking anyway) and during that time it's been my CFS to the fore. And it's been my CFS that has masked the gradual slide into the pit this time. Actually it's been less of a gradual slide and more of a skeeter.
Denial, as they say, ain't no river in Egypt. Every time I go into an episode it's different and I don't recognise it. It had crossed my mind that I might be depressed some weeks ago but I did an internal 'level three diagnostic' and I didn't have the black meanies. I always get the black meanies if I'm low, so I dismissed it. I still don't have them. I'm just so angry all the time, and so unreasonable. I'm oppositionally defiant. You say black, I say white.
I've got all the other stuff - blasted concentration, slow movements, poor sleep - all of these I was attributing to my CFS. Maybe it was the fact I was in denial that was the signpost. AJ has been saying to me for a couple of weeks now he thought I was depressed but I was fiercely contradicting him. And I suddenly lost hope. Suddenly I could only think about my illness as a terrible thing which was imprisoning me in a premature old age.
We talk a lot about hope in our blogs. I see the point of hope now, it keeps us alive, it gives us meaning - not for the future but for today. Without it the world is a very bleak place indeed.
Today hope is back. I've got a doctor's appointment for early next week. AJ looks like he's just put down an enormous burden. I'll get all the help and support I need for my depression, it's a shame I can't get the same for my CFS.