Dr TL told me that I looked much better than last time he saw me. It was nice to agree to the compliment for a change.
Although I had a slim day pants on, my weight had gained. He suggested constipation for the rapid weight gain. I actually was having problem. Since I had been having trouble drinking liquid and having gastro problems, I had cut down the constipation medicines. (It needs to be diluted into water.) Naturally, it brought back constipation. My weight is in normal range, but the rapid change in the short period is not good.
Blood pressure was little better than last time. My heart and lungs sounded okay. He also checked ankle for swelling.
He seemed to be concerned about the abnormal blood test results. Since the Liver Ultra Sound didn’t reveal any nasties, we will have another blood test in a month time. Judging from the symptoms I’m experiencing, I’m having on and off liver problem. However, Dr TL is the only doctor who gave me blood tests and USS. My guess is the antibiotic I had been taking about two months and endotoxin could be the culprit this time.
He noticed cold sore on my lip. It’s quite a big one and I just bought Zovirax cream at the Chemist, but haven’t applied it yet. He gave me sample antiviral tablets to speed up healing. He always has something to help any problems.
Our conversation touched on family. He asked about my parents. This question makes me nervous. I answered casually what my father did and my mother didn’t work.
He thought it was unusual for Japanese culture that a child pursued a better occupation than father. (Especially the child is a woman.) It may be true for me. But I remember many parents put all their efforts and money to give better education and job to their children… I told him that I wasn’t a typical Japanese. There was a serious problem in my family, so I didn’t care how they felt. It is too complicated and even if I explain, nobody can understand…
Then he wanted to know if being tall caused problem. When I think about it, it did. But I forgot about it until he mentioned. If I’m still worried about it, I wouldn’t be wearing tall shoes. When you outstand from others, it is easy to be a target of gossip, bully or ridicule. We talked about “Tall Poppy Syndrome”. Also I mentioned I was a black sheep. Then he said with smile that black sheep only produce black wool. I leave you to dig his philosophical meaning.
Then we talked about the exercise. I have been a good girl and doing the push-away exercise every day. He asked if the exercise gives me payback. I explained that I don’t get payback if I keep things within my limit. I could do bit more. But I keep it within safe limit. I will increase it slowly. (This is different from how I used to do weight training. Pushing for the limit is risky now.) He didn’t want the exercise to cause problem, so he was quite happy.
There was one more exercise I was given. It is to roll side to side on the bed. He accused me that I didn’t do it because it was silly. Ha Ha. I hadn’t done this yet because there were always Poppy and Basil at both sides when I’m in bed. I promised him that I would give it a go. He suggested uploading the exercise to YouTube with cheeky grin. It ain’t gonna happen.
I would definitely get bad payback from the activities I’ve done on this Monday. I explained to him that payback usually starts the next day or two days after the day I pushed my limit. (Depending on when I fell asleep, I guess.) Then he asked if I could come back in two days while I’m in the payback. I thought that was interesting, because I never heard of any doctor actually wanted to observe the payback.
After the consultation finished and I got ready to leave his office, he asked little more about my parents.
I suggested that my childhood was not happy one because of them.
I’m a straight forward person. But I learned not to be straight with this issue. I was an abused and neglected child. I was my parents’ mental and physical punch bag. They got pleasure from breaking my spirits. My father hated me so much that he wanted to kill me. And my mother blamed me for her unhappy life and her husband’s abuse… And people just don’t respond well to this fact. People usually end up concluding that I must have screwed up mind from the experience or I must be lying.
I don’t know where my life went wrong or what I did wrong. But the truth is that my life had screwed up before I was born. Nothing in my childhood was my fault. I was just unlucky to born to them.
Dr TL expressed his concern that I shouldn’t deny my past or my roots. I assured him that was not what I was doing. My past and my roots made me who I am today. (And I’m kinda proud who I am now.) He added it made me a strong person. I no longer cry over my past or get haunted by nightmares. I just don’t want to go back there.
Then we focused the issue out to community level. I see generations of domestic and family violence going on. The area I’m living now is quite bad… It is such a horrible situation, but nobody is stopping it. Nobody stop and think what they are doing. People just don’t care. People don’t have self esteem. People have no idea how to respect others. Nobody is breaking the vicious cycle.
Dr TL explained as those people are like rock. If there is water going down on it, it eventually changes its shape. But there is no water, but just a hard surface. The rock cannot absorb anything. They really shouldn’t have children. This comment hit me deep, because it is exactly how I feel. I love babies. But I cannot stop hurting when I see a beautiful baby born to irresponsible parent(s). I cry for the baby’s future. I wish the baby has strength to get through the obvious tough life ahead.
Then, he focused the issue back to me. He said that sometimes the best I could do is to stay away. And that is exactly what I am doing. I am proud that I didn’t become one of my parents.
I hit my head at the edge of the door because I lost balance. I was starting feeling the exhaustion from the big day.
“Careful! There’s a door.” He was amused by my clumsiness. He would remove the door for me next time. Cheeky doctor… My head is still sore.
“You mean this Wednesday? Na, I can’t do that.” The receptionist couldn’t give me the Wednesday appointment. I was disappointed, but there’s nothing I could do. After all, Dr TL is a popular and busy doctor; who would expect to get an appointment so soon? “Why don’t you make it Wednesday in two weeks?” The way she was talking to me was overpowering. I was trying to signal her that I needed to ask Dr TL, but she was looking at her computer screen. He must have heard her from his office and buzzed her to tell something. She gave me Monday appointment. So it wasn’t too bad.
Suddenly I had difficulty walking back to my wheelchair that I parked at the corner of the waiting room. I was more than sure that the payback would be really bad one.