I'm in a state of high anxiety at the moment. I'm an anxious person anyway but this was mainly triggered by, don't laugh, a mental health worker. With the cuts in public spending the Community Mental Health Team will no longer be able to staff a drop-in coffee morning. My care coordinator encouraged me to take on the responsibility of collecting the money and opening up - not a difficult task for me as I have often done this with various groups in the past. On the back of this I am hoping to set up a service user group to give the more vulnerable a bit more of a voice.
However, this woman was showing me how they work the money and then she started asking questions about how I was getting on setting up the user group. She seemed angry and I think she was worried I was taking on too much, but it was something about the questioning which 'triggered' me and I went completely blank. Ever since then I've been unduly worried about setting up this group, which I was doing in my own sweet way and time. But I think I now have enough insight to realise that it is not about the user group. It's about the way this woman was questioning me which made me feel deep shame. I suspect this may be another abuse memory about to surface, and I'm really, really not in the mood.
Also on a plate near here - benefits issues rumble on. The MP's letter changed nothing and I will have to wait for my tribunal. More excitingly, the BBC want to interview me and others in the other community work I do. We are trying to save an old garden and make it more accessible for the public. It's right up the 'Big Society' community involvement tree. Ironically the funding we received for that which has made much of it possible has been stopped. The work for organising this interview has largely fallen to me and I'm finding it a little onerous. But the thing about email communication, you can choose when to do it.
Had a lovely day yesterday. AJ took the day off and we went to, what in the old days you would call a 'Stately Home'. I managed a long walk (a mile) in the grounds with him, a sit in the Walled Garden, and lunch in the cafe. We didn't pay to go inside. We'll save that for richer and more energetic times.
I realise I haven't been posting many photos lately, having promised them. I often don't have the energy to process them. Here are a couple from last weekend in the garden we are trying to keep open.