I feel like I'm always moaning in my posts and I had a much more upbeat post in mind to write this week. However, I have had a very stressful week and I feel this one is important to talk about. I have been very on edge and down at times. There is probably a few reasons for this. First of all we were away on a family trip last weekend. It was very enjoyable but required pushing myself. Due to this, one has to put every once of their being into getting through. I was very obviously wrecked after. When I am running on auto pilot like this ANY type of stress CANNOT be handled. Actually I can never really tolerate stress... So any type of normal small argument is soooo overwhelming that I turn into a crazy person, kinda like I mentioned in my last post. I am not always like this. It's just when I am struggling to get through a situation and then something comes at me that I just can't cope with, like a small normal couple argument. So reason one for crazy behavior is exhaustion from weekend.
Reason number two was more of an issue thingy. A lot of the family that were away with us are around the same age and it highlights to me the things that I am missing when hearing all about their lives. One of the big things was finding out my partners sister is expecting her first baby. Firstly let me say that I was overjoyed for them. They are a lovely couple. Its just she is the same age as me and well lets face it, I probably won't be having kids of my own. I know that both Lyme and Rickettsia can be passed on to the baby. Apart from that with my health the way it is now I just couldn't look after a baby anyway. This is something that has been playing on my mind a lot lately. I know there would be other options but there is no point in me thinking about any of that until I am better. So I was feeling a bit sad inside about that.
Reason number three was more of a hormonal issue. As I've mentioned before I have a lot of hormone issues. Suspected PCOS. I've always had irregular periods, spots on face and they found multiple cysts on my ovaries. Anyway my hormone issues got worse after getting sick. My estrogen levels were very low so I am on estradot patches. I have to take them off for three days every month. Three of those days were this week and I was very on edge due to this.
All of the above stresses and my behavior were causing a lot of arguments this week. I was biting the head off my partner unnecessarily. Here is a perfect example. I went out with my mom the other day and overdid it as usual. ON arriving home my brain was in shut down mode and I was so tired that even a conversation could not be tolerated. My partner was just asking me question about my mom and what we got up to and I snapped saying "why are you asking me so many questions?". Totally unreasonable, I know. However when one is so tired in the brain normal questions can feel like torture!!
So it has been a very stressful week and a frustrating one. I know its not right to speak or behave in this way. I totally understand why my partner feels bad and I feel bad for my behavior. I also feel very frustrated as I just can't help it. I need to learn to communicate myself better when feeling unable for much. I have to work on that. So I have felt very depressed both from the situations and because I think I am a bit chemically depressed at present too. When these arguments happen I feel very alone and I don't always know how to explain things to others. I was talking to my Dad yesterday and well I really broke down as he knew I was upset and started asking me questions. I was trying to explain everything to him as clearly as I could but as all of you know it is very hard to be clear of what your saying when upset and also I just don't understand everything that happens in my body. This is the reason for this post. My Dad was trying to understand and he was asking do my blogging friends talk about experiencing the same problems. I said yes they do. However I think it is sometimes hard for people to honestly talk about their negative behavior. However I don't hear people talking about the lack of tolerance and outbursts and generally emotional confusion/struggling that much. For that reason to help me explain myself and these conditions more to my family I was hoping that my followers could contribute in the comment section about their experiences and thoughts on these kinds of difficulties and struggles with the illness. I don't mind how long or short they are or if its someone who has ME/CFS, Lyme or Rickettsia. It can be anonymous if you want.
Any help here would be much appreciated... The main thing is for my family to see that I am not crazy that a lot of these problems are linked to my illness and others have them too. Or maybe I am crazy and it isn't linked to my illness... Ha ha haaa... Of course as a young couple we need to learn to argue/communicate better. We are still learning how to live together.