Over the last day or so I have seen myself once more leave behind that dark shadow which sometimes reveals itself. When I look back over that last post it kind of irritates and disappoints me that I still go through these periods, and that the content of the post is probably not particularly uplifting to read. It seems to be a pattern of sorts. However, in saying that, when I decided to write this blog I promised that I wanted to tell this life exactly as it is. That includes its highs and its lows, for which there are both equally, usually to two very different extremes. And it includes and annoying and relentless pattern!
When you are unwell there is always a pressure to give off an optimistic and positive vibe. And I get this. It’s draining all around otherwise. It’s just that I personally don’t think communicating this only to others is being honest. It does nobody a favour by portraying a false picture, especially to others in the same boat who may beat them selves up over not being as positive. I see this a lot when I watch others write about their lives. There always seems to be a forced emphasis on being positive, and fighting.
As I said there is an equal amount of good times, made even better by the fact that one experiences such desperate times. It is an extreme way to live, and I intend on continuing to write about it with honesty, ignoring my harshest critic: myself.
The truth is, in spite of all these dips I take I do truly believe I am a naturally positive person. It’s just this damn illness sucks the positivity out of me every time I manage to build it up.
Perhaps I will be carried with lightness all the way up to my next holiday in three weeks. Hmmm…. What do you think the chances of that are given I have another two weeks of heavy IV treatment left…….. : )
I shall wrap my heart in hope for now, and see if I can keep it safe until then.