Accepting the reality… Although, it feels more like surrendering to the reality. The reality of living with severe ME… I honestly thought it is not that bad…
I am selling my car. I know it took me too long to make the decision. I kept making excuses, such as “I need it for disaster evacuation” and/or “I will feel strong enough to drive it again soon”… I haven’t driven it at all for more than 2 years, and I was still thinking “soon”.
I want to drive it for the last time before finding a buyer. However, I know that I might not have the opportunity as I am going through quite bad days…
When I could, Basil and I sat in the car together to take a moment to say good-bye and thank the car. I couldn’t stop feeling sad. It’s an end of the era for me.
I also thought about Poppy who is no longer with us, but loved driving in the car. I wish I could have taken her for drive before she died.
When I was able-bodied and had full-time career, I drove this car to everywhere, to clients, to run errands, to take Poppy and Basil to parks and beaches, to help friend or ex in-laws at odd hours of the night, and to go wherever I wanted…
It was a symbol of my independence, achievements, aspiration, and love of life.
When I became very ill with ME, it helped me by reducing the burden of relocation, and sometimes, it was my private emergency recovery bed when I collapsed while I was out.
I would like to say I can still drive it around in the quiet suburbs. However, I need assistance with wheelchair and to avoid collapsing at the destination.
Maintaining it in good condition has become huge burden on my still diminishing limited energy and ability these days. And I started realising that I was only hanging on to the hopes that is no longer relevant to my life. Eventually, this car will die with the hopes attached to it before I would be able to enjoy driving it again. So, I need to be practical about it.
It’s been a reliable car and still looking nice and new (to me). I hope I can find a buyer quickly and the new owner will love it.