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Posted Aug 16 2010 2:38am
I sometimes think a lot of the "moving forward" part of our lives depends quite a bit on acceptance. Acceptance of what is, acceptance of what isn't (and how very much there isn't!), acceptance of our limitations, acceptance of the uncertain future. I'd like to think that a lot of my feeling slowly better over the last, gosh 8 months is it (?!), has to do with my acceptance of my current state. Yes, I'm sick. Yes, I have to admit temporary (hopefully) defeat and rest. But it's all so unnatural and counter-intuitive! Our natural resilience and urge to fight back prevents us from doing so. I mean, who really wants to admit defeat? It's like laying down in the middle of a busy street and deciding that whatever happens happens. It's relinquishing control over our lives to the forces that be. But it's the only thing that ever helps in the long run I think. Admitting to ourselves that no matter what we do, we can't do it all, and in the end it only makes things worse. So I've accepted that, and I'm ok with it. I've mourned the loss of the "now"; it's a worthy sacrifice for good health.  And I think now I'm working on accepting that the future I imagined for myself before I got sick might never come to be either, which will be (yes, yes, it will, I have to remind myself) OK too. It can be just as fulfilling, just in a different way. So, I'm mourning that now and coming to accept it (I've even be able to voice my concerns about it out loud to a few people; quite a step forward I think since I couldn't before without become too overcome with emotion). But it will all be OK, one way or another! I truly believe that (really, what other choice do I have?). Anyway, just some thoughts rolling around in my head. Hopefully all this acceptance of the future and whatnot will help the improvement process as well somehow.

I also think, maybe, just maybe, that I've reached a point where my tiredness from the low level of activity I do is due to more of muscle deconditioning than pure CFS alone. So I think it's time to bump up my level of physical activity before I become too lumpy. I think I might pull out some very very light weights I have. Maybe...I might wait a few weeks to really feel out the situation.

Also! I went to a concert last night! Blues legends BB King and Buddy Guy. First concert I went to in a loooong time. Tiring, but quite wonderful. It felt good to be out amongst people, listening to amazing music. Really, it felt good to be alive, and I haven't felt that so deeply in a long while. I'll admit it, I got a bit teary eyed. :)

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