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A002: Father

Posted Jan 07 2009 2:56pm

As far as I can remember, my grandfather held a title of a mayor of a tiny village. I didn’t see him working as a mayor, though. He had an emotionless face with frown. He hardly smiled. He sat in his office all day reading newspapers, sipping strong Japanese tea. He looked angry all the time. I was little scared of him. And I’m sure everybody in the house was scared of him. When I looked back how he lived, I could say he was living the life of middle class citizen, unlike the life of poverty of my parents.

He lived with strict routine every day. Therefore, everybody had to follow his routine. Meals prepared on time and served on time. Bath water was warmed to the same temperature by burning woods. And he took the first bath at the same time every day. When he retired to his bed room, whole house became quiet.

He died from stroke. People were shocked because he was in his early 50’s. After the funeral, there was an atmosphere of relief. Then things started to change.

He had family in nearby town, but he was not associating with them. Therefore, I believed we didn’t have any relatives.

My grandmother didn’t really have personality. After grandfather died, she assumed that she would inherit the VIP treatment in the household just like her husband had. She assumed wrong and she carried bitter grudge. She was a back stabber and very manipulative. She hated her daughter-in-law. She was playing victim role in the public to shame her. If she could humiliate her, she even used her granddaughter (me) to complete the task. This fired up my mother to the wrong way.

My father grew up in the small village. My grandparents, especially grandfather was very strict. I never imagined my grandfather would use physical force on him. However, judging from my father’s behaviour, he must have. He hardly talked to his parents.

My father has 10 years younger brother (and a sister closer to the younger brother.). The brother received different and better treatment from their parents and my father was jealous of him. He also carried grudge against his parents for the unfair treatment.

He didn’t have standard or minimum education. I cannot anticipate the reason for it. But I felt strong disliking towards education from him. He often complained to me that he had to pay for my school. While I was still in elementary school, he said to me with anger, “Bitch doesn’t need education.” I replied to him, “According to the constitution, every Japanese citizen has right and obligation for education.” Before I knew, I was knocked down on the ground with one strike of his fist.

He probably left home in bitter account, and probably worked as a trainee chef. Things didn’t work out, and he ended up driving long distance trailer track. He often had conflict with his boss and work mates. When it happened, his mood and temper got really bad. He was not a team player, and he had strange pride in making things difficult for them. He has probably mistaken that was being in power and control.

He met my mother and got married very young. He didn’t receive blessings from own parents.

One day, he had to move back to his parents’ house with his family against his wish.

He didn’t have sense of responsibility. He was stubborn in negative way. He refused to cooperate with anyone. He smoked a lot and drank regularly. He had bad temper. He sometimes showed cold and cruel behaviour that gave me chill in my spine. He carried atmosphere of hate and anger especially after he moved back to his parents’ house. He acted as if he was better than anyone else. But he was really immature with lack of self-esteem and feelings of insecurity. He didn’t know what to do with his life despite he criticised about everything and everyone. He had adopted the general idea of how he should look and behave as a man without knowing why, just because it is easy and gave him the power

He hated his first daughter (me). He often punched her when he was in bad mood or when his temper exploded. Other times, he verbally, emotionally and mentally abused her. He tormented her and got annoyed when her daughter was in uncontrollable fear while being beaten. He often yelled at her as if he was torturing a prisoner of war. He also abused his wife when he was in bad mood. In his mind, nobody can do the right thing and they deserved to be punished or disciplined with excess force. He didn’t have the concept that it is not okay to use violence. In his mind, it wasn’t violence, but punishment or discipline. To make his belief legitimate, he had to believe that I was hopelessly useless and I could not do anything right.

He never showed remorse for his action and never apologised. Apologising is for losers. And he hated when someone tried to teach him something.

It is his choice to live in the world where everybody hates him and being paranoid that someone might find out that he is a weak person. From what I’ve seen, he is unrepairable.

Posted in MyStory      
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